Divorce is never easy, even when it’s relatively mutual. This is particularly true when the two adults share kids or, even worse, when the decision to split up was the result of some particularly difficult event. The parents have to navigate treacherous waters with children who are feeling betrayed all while managing their own emotions.
A man asked the internet for advice after his messy divorce led to him picking his sister over his own daughter. We got in touch with Marilyn Wedge, PhD, LMFT, a child and family therapist, to learn more about divorce and how it can affect family dynamics between kids and parents.
Divorces often put a toll on the children caught in the middle
Image credits: traimakivan/Envato elements (not the actual photo)
But one father ended up feeling isolated from his daughter, so he decided to change his will
Image credits: Zinkevych_D/Envato elements (not the actual photo)
Image credits: NaturalFixing
Children in the middle of a divorce tend to undergo a lot of stress
Bored Panda got in touch with Marilyn Wedge, PhD, LMFT, a child and family therapist in Westlake Village, California, to learn more about the things that sometimes go through the mind of a child who is caught between two divorcing adults. Since we only have the father’s input here, this might help make her behavior more understandable.
Firstly, we wanted to hear her opinion on what are some things any parent should do with their kids when going through a divorce. “Parents must reassure their children that the divorce is not their fault. They have done nothing wrong,” she shared with Bored Panda. While it might seem obvious, to the perspective of a child, the whole situation might seem confusing.
“Children must be assured that they will always have a mother and father who love them, even if their parents don’t get along as husband and wife. Children should be assured that they will be able to visit all grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc.” Unfortunately, in this story, it would seem that the mother has taken steps to make it harder for the daughter to understand the father’s side of things. While this might be speculation, it’s possible that the mother knew a divorce was incoming and had already laid the groundwork in her daughter’s mind.
It would appear that the mother made intentional steps to drive a wedge between the father and daughter
This is an important consideration, as Marilyn Wedge had a very specific suggestion about this for other parents in a similar situation. “Most important: Parents should not say bad things about the other parent. This will cause the child internal conflict and emotional pain. They should always refer to the other parent respectfully. Parents should not have heated arguments in front of the child or teen.” Unfortunately, divorces, particularly ones that are a result of an affair, are fraught with emotions, so it’s not entirely uncommon for parents to take out their anger on each other.
In general, it’s good to keep the child in the loop, even if it seems like they are too young to understand what is going on. “Parents should explain custody arrangements clearly to the child, as soon as they know what they are, and answer questions as honestly as possible. If there has been an affair, children or teens should not know about this,” she added, indicating that the mother’s behavior was in many ways a red flag.
We also wanted to hear if this sort of situation, with a child attempting to cut contact with one parent is even normal. “It’s not really common for a child or teen to “take a side.” There are two situations in which they might. First, they might worry about the more vulnerable parent. They worry that the parent will be lonely or sad.”
“Second, the child might take a side to manipulate a parent. They might see which parent will be more indulgent or give them what they want more frequently, or which parent will discipline them less,” she shared with Bored Panda. Given these facts, it would appear that the mother made a very conscious effort to make sure the daughter sides with her. Cutting the daughter out of his will is perhaps a bit extreme, as she is a gullible teenager, possibly being manipulated by someone she is supposed to trust.
Many thought he was not to blame
Others thought the whole family needed professional help
And a few sided with the daughter
