There are a hundred ways a relationship can be bad, abusive, and traumatic. Some people, out of insecurity or just plain old nastiness, seem to enjoy downplaying their partner’s abilities and achievements.
So one woman, after years of being dismissed and insulted, ditched her useless husband and made some upgrades. She described, in wonderful detail, all the ways she made her life better without him, while readers shared their own stories in the comments. Bored Panda got in touch with Independent-Let-7688 to learn more.
Some partners seem to enjoy belittling and diminishing their spouses
Image credits: On Shot (not the actual photo)
But one woman had enough and decided it was time to move on
Image credits: Lisa Fotios (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Wiktor Karkocha (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Independent-Let-7688
OP shared some more details
Bored Panda got in touch with OP and she was kind enough to share her thoughts. “It’s been 5 years since my divorce now. I spent roughly 2 years together with the lovely young man that I met. My friends were supportive of it, while his family and most of his friends weren’t as it went against social norms. When you’re 25 that’s not easy to handle and so in the end we had to come to the decision that splitting up was the best thing to do. It was however difficult for both of us as we were still in love.”
“I think that in the beginning, we both figured that things would run their course eventually as so much does once the initial “honeymoon” stage is over and your rose-tinted glasses come off. However, that never happened and so we had to take into consideration the different places we were in life and a significant part was of course the pressure he felt under which took its toll. So we spent some time being unable to really split up while dating other people. Eventually, I met someone closer to me in age and he met someone a couple of days after I had told him I had met someone. We met up a couple of times after that, but it was just too difficult even though we always planned to remain friends.”
“Regarding my ex-husband I found a psychotherapist who specializes in this sort of behavior and how it affects the people who are subjected to it. She’s been great and has helped me navigate the aftermath. Things have calmed down as our communication is only in writing and I stick to short, factual, and polite messages and I don’t react to any impolite messages. However, it’s an ongoing process to establish boundaries and get him to respect them.” Unfortunately, there are perhaps way too many people out there who are not in a fit state to date.
Abusers attempt to keep a person so down that they can’t even consider leaving
“Since my divorce, I have actually been very interested in finding out why some people behave like that and also why it can take so long to realize what is happening and why it’s often difficult to leave. I didn’t want to repeat the experience and I also don’t want my children to repeat it. Firstly it comes from poor self-worth and self-esteem. It might not be noticeable to outsiders, but that’s at the bottom of it. Just like any kind of bullying really. In order to protect one’s self these people build an imaginary sense of superiority and they try to put other people down in order to feel better about themselves and also in order for them to control the other person and put them in a place where they don’t feel like they have the strength to leave. Emotional abuse can be very subtle and difficult to spot.” Emotional abusers know this, so you can expect them to stoop as low as they can possibly go.
“Often the relationship starts with love bombing. Mine certainly did. So in the beginning it’ll seem as though all of your dreams have come true and it’ll often look like what we’ve all seen romantic movies and read about. And so it’s easy to be swept off your feet. The way I met my ex-husband and the beginning of our relationship was certainly worthy of any romantic fairytale I had ever read about. But very slowly things change. Very subtly so it’s difficult to notice and if you do say something it’ll be just put off as a joke, that you’re too sensitive and sometimes they will completely deny it. I came to a point where I had to write everything down because he was so convincing when he lied or denied things that happened and I didn’t know if I could trust my own memory.”
“All of this erodes away your self-worth and confidence and so you eventually start believing what you are told. That nobody else will ever want you. That you are unable to do anything right. The behavior that they have is often something that they have experienced themselves or witnessed while growing up,” she shared, echoing the many people who end up falling foul of a manipulator. “Just as the people who experience this often also have a similar background, however, everyone can end up in this sort of unhealthy relationship dynamics. While still married I was able to see how the same pattern had repeated itself over and over throughout generations on both sides. And that’s what finally gave me the strength to leave as I didn’t want my children to grow up thinking that this was normal behavior and what a relationship should be like. I wanted it to end with me.”
Many readers resonate with the story
We were curious to hear how she felt about the massive amount of responses the post garnered. “I’m fairly new to Reddit so I didn’t really think that it would get any sort of traction. I’m not sure how many upvotes posts normally get, but it certainly does seem like it’s gotten quite a few more upvotes than most posts. The comments have also apart from a few been very supportive. I did have one person sending me a not-very-positive personal message, but there are always going to be people like that out there and I always feel sorry for them. I’ve never met anyone who feels truly good about themselves and is happy who had the need to put other people down or write in a very negative manner.”
“People also like a story that ends well. And in many ways, mine ended better than I ever expected. When I left I figured that nobody would probably ever want me as I was turning 40 and a single mother and didn’t look anything like before I got married. So it was amazing to find out that not only was I wrong, but a handsome and kind young man thought not only that I was beautiful, but liked me exactly the way I was. That was very therapeutic. And really helped me rebuild myself and regain my self-confidence. Finally, I think it resonates with women in general. Whenever I have told my story that seems to be the case. I think it’s because society wants women to believe that as we get older we are no longer desirable or attractive whereas men still are and are able to attract younger women. That definitely isn’t true.”
People shared their support with OP, who answered some questions in the comments
