Bringing new life into the world can be a beautiful experience that makes an already strong bond unbreakable. But this only works if the couple is loyal and invested in their relationship, and of course, if they’re both parents to the child. Otherwise, introducing a kid into the mix can be an absolute nightmare.
One woman reached out to Reddit for advice after finding out that the child her husband had with his mistress might be moving into their home soon. Below, you’ll find all of the details, as well as a conversation with therapist and creator of Save the Marriage, Dr. Lee Baucom.
After cheating on her, this woman’s husband ended up becoming a father
Image credits: freepik (not the actual photo)
Now, she’s making it very clear that she doesn’t want the child anywhere near her
Image credits: drazenphoto / envatoelements (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Icy-Frame-666
“A couple who is committed to making their marriage work can find accountability and forgiveness, trust and connection”
Image credits: freepik (not the actual photo)
For many people, there can be no greater betrayal than finding out that their spouse has cheated. It can turn your life upside down in an instant and make you question years of great memories that you’ve had in your relationship. But unfortunately, lots of people know what it feels like to be cheated on.
According to data from The Institute for Family Studies, 20% of married men and 13% of married women admit that they’ve strayed from their spouse at some point during their marriage. And being married for a long time doesn’t make you more dedicated to your partner, as over a quarter of men between the ages of 70 and 79 admit that they’ve been unfaithful.
Infidelity can be a huge hurdle for a couple to overcome. In fact, it often causes the entire marriage to crumble, as the American Psychological Association reports that between 20%-40% of divorces are linked to cheating.
But even if a couple can manage to work through an affair, they’ll have many obstacles to overcome. To learn more about this from an expert, we reached out to therapist and creator of Save the Marriage, Dr. Lee Baucom. He was kind enough to have a chat with Bored Panda and discuss how couples can move past infidelity.
“It is certainly possible,” the therapist says. “While it is a tall order, a couple who is committed to making their marriage work can find accountability and forgiveness, trust and connection. But they need to look at why the affair happened, what boundaries they need to set to protect their marriage, and how they want things different.”
“In this situation, the child complicates what they thought was recovery,” Dr. Baucom noted. “A child is a constant reminder of the infidelity. Often, the child ends up representing the cheating — and is completely rejected by the spouse of the person who cheated. Sadly, the child is the innocent party, deserves a relationship with both parents, and does not deserve disdain from anyone. That can be a tall order though.”
Image credits: freepik (not the actual photo)
“Pulling together is the path to a strong marriage”
We also asked the expert if he thinks it’s fair for this woman to refuse to let her husband’s child into their home.
“That child should not suffer because the child came from an affair. But the rules of engagement should be a point of agreement between the spouses,” Dr. Baucom says. “In this case, there is an undercurrent of hurt and anger. I think that clouds the opportunity for deeper support.”
“A strong marriage works as a team, addressing challenges together. A hurting marriage gets caught in the web of anger and resentment,” the expert continued. “And that can be rationalized as justice. But starting with the welfare of the child may help the adults come to more healthy decisions.”
Next, we wanted to know if Dr. Baucom sees any hope left in this marriage or if it’s best for the couple to throw in the towel. “What isn’t clear from the post is what the wife will do if he decides to take custody but choose to not file [for divorce],” he pointed out. “In other words, she has put herself in a corner that might leave her feeling helpless once again.”
“It seems clear that the husband is wanting to take care of the child, but is not wanting to divorce, which creates an impasse both ways,” the therapist says. “Here, the actual issue is an ultimatum, more than an openness to divorce. It has become a tool of control. Notice the disconnection, though, when she refers to the house as ‘my’ house. She is working from a you/me perspective, not a WE perspective of a strong marriage.”
Finally, Dr. Baucom added that couples have multiple opportunities of pulling together as a team, or pushing apart as opponents.
“Pulling together is the path to a strong marriage. But when challenges come along (even if caused by one or the other), and couples become oppositional, the connection will eventually fail,” he shared. “In this case, the oppositional side is clear from the ‘mine versus your’ orientation around property and the child. The greater good of the marriage and the child has been lost. They can choose to pivot back toward each other, or they can continue moving apart.”
Later, the author responded to several comments from readers and revealed more information about the situation
Many readers sided with the woman and encouraged her to leave her husband
However, some noted that both spouses could have made better choices
And others thought that it was just an unfortunate situation all around
