Welcome back to the continuation of MAFS Fucc Week, which, up until this point, has simply felt like Dry Sex Week.
We kick off with a bunch of couples stroking each other, but the good news is that Cody has been acting decently to Selina for her birthday.
Ballarat Paris and Brent haven’t spoken since he implied she had daddy issues, and they’re living as far away from each others’s feet as possible.
Ballarat Paris has interestingly woken up with perfectly curled hair and I don’t appreciate these unrealistic expectations we’re being confronted with.
Brent is not stoked on Ballarat Paris’ behaviour but says he’s a sucker for her big, blue, pretentious eyes. He goes over to say wassup after sleeping apart, they discuss their very clear differences and forget her insane standards to instead move on.
She threatens that if he leaves again she will in fact light him on fire in Tarocash. At least that’s what I heard.
Over to the Texas Yeehaw Massacre, Holly is doing a horrible Alessandra impression while reading out the first task to Deep South Daddy.
They have to stare into each others eyes without killing one another.
They are playing Deep South Daddy’s sex speeches over the top of the staring contest and I’ve never known MAFS to be so cinematic.
Deep South Daddy is super into it, but Holly does not enjoying staring into his soulless void. She cannot forgive and forget all the sexual lecturing, and looking deeply and southerly into his satanic soul is only making the fact that he’s a Deep South Douche all the more clearer.
Meanwhile, Nice Guy has revealed to Princess Bogan that he slept with his ex-girlfriend of four years after they broke up.
She finds this “weird”, even though literally everyone knows someone who’s slept with an ex. It ain’t every day familiar P or V comes a’knocking.
“But you fucked after you split up?” she asks, when really she just wants to know how often and why it was never while she was on her period.
I need to tell this unnamed woman who was robbed of 140+ days of sex just because she was menstruating that I’m sorry for her loss.
Cody and Selina have been asked to have a five-min make-out sesh, but Selina is nervy because it’s been ages and her jeans are a bit too tight.
She appears to have recently googled onomatopoeia and is now making very fucking uncomfortable smooching and saliva noises that are making me unwell.
Also making me unwell is watching these two hook up. They keep stopping and starting and this is not something I have ever done if I’m legitimately attracted to the person on the other side.
Selina says the way he kisses is “cute” and I feel like we should just wrap this relationship up right here. Dogs are cute. Freckles are cute. Do I want to fuck either of those things? Absolutely not.
Meanwhile, Baby Seal Mitch has turned into some kind of turtleneck-wearing 80’s pornstar, minus the moustache because he has stunted hair growth.
He’s rudely adamant about not kissing @badgalella for five minutes, because he likes to reserve that for the bedroom – not in front of the cameras.
Bit rich coming from a man who does handstands in the shower, eye-fucks his wife, gets his ass out every chance he can and fake-shaves his body – all in front of cameras – but go off, Seal.
It appears Selin and Regular Daddy Anthony are still living apart even though they were ordered by Resting John Face to do the opposite of that. They’ve agreed to do Fucc Week tasks, though, and up first is a staring contest.
She looks like she’s rather face the wrath of Mel Schilling again than stare into the eyes of someone she despises, but also implies she hasn’t had a good dicking in three years, so will give it a go.
Regular Daddy looks fearful for his life / that he may vomit at any moment.
Selin has noticed the colour of his eyes, now that she hasn’t avoided his face like the plague for more than five seconds. She blinks heaps and she has a very nicely defined chin for a certified butthead, doesn’t she?
Next they have to do the melting hug.
“Let’s smash having a cuddle” says Regular Daddy, and look, I don’t love Selin but she did a good job to not projectile vomit when he said that. They embrace and he is enamoured by her hair which is “beautiful” and “smells good”.
Harp music or some shit is playing in the background and I’m not going to be manipulated into thinking these two are endgame, thank you.
They do some rotating fist bumps which is unfortunate.
They both feel optimistic about this relationship which is also unfortunate.
Also unfortunate is the fact that Cody’s hair has resumed to having a life of its own.
Cody is now sharing a personal story with Selin because intimacy also involves speaking, if someone can send Baby Seal the memo.
Cody shares his grieving journey after his father died when Cody was 15, saying that he lost his uncle, two grandfathers and dog in the five years that followed. That’s rapid compounding grief and Selina really feels for him.
They hug but I’m getting friend zone vibes.
@badgalella and Baby Seal tuck into some question cards. He says the three things he wants in the bedroom are “confidence”, “noise” and “foreplay”, before telling @badgalella that other girls he’s been with have been more confident in the boudoir.
@badgalella and her yoni are feeling a bit insecure as a result, but now we have moved on to people with actual hair.
Selina is removing hair from Cody’s butt crack.
Ballarat Paris and Brent have to do the hug melt but she feels “sick” about how “awkward” it is.
Their feet are really close together but Brent is feeling A-OK because she smells decent.
Ballarat Paris literally pushes him away once the buzzer goes off and proceeds to tell him to shut up.
Selin has slid into Regular Daddy’s DMs and is ready for him to move back in.
Interesting.
It’s like she can smell a wife swap and will do anything in her power to prevent an even shittier life with the texasshole.
Selin has decided to spray tan her Regular Daddy under the guise of bonding but really she’s desperately attempting to be more attracted to him.
I’m unsure if she’s horny or just overly happy with how well her master plan to turn him into an Oompa Loompa is going.
Olivia and Jackson open up their dildo box from Father Dickmas and play vibrator races. Olivia is hunting for something she can spank Jackson with and sweet angel, as long as it’s in a public place he’ll be roaring to go.
Princess Bogan and Nice Guy have been given a special task just for them. It is pole dancing but Nice Guy is not making me wet with his moves.
Princess Bogan ups the ante with some gold stripper heels and decides to ride that pole like it’s anything but a pole.
Nice Guy likey.
Dick pole did the trick. Even if it was one huge ad for Pole Athletica.
Back at Deep South Daddy and Holly’s humble abode, they have to do the hugging thing. Holly is at just the right height to be suffocated by the Texan’s chest, which is just another shit thing she has to deal with right now.
Holly expresses to Deep South Daddy that she’s still struggling and doesn’t have much left to give to him after he berated her incessantly. She basically breaks up with him AND I LOVE THIS.
Deep South Daddy is not taking the rejection well and starts being a shithead to her again. I think we’re about to hear another speech so brace yourself accordingly.
“Leaders admit they’re at fault, no matter what happens. I think that’s what true leaders do,” says Deep South Daddy.
“But Holly, I still haven’t heard any apologies of how you showed up, in any way, or any accountability, and until that happens, I don’t see this progressing in any way.”
Holly is smirking hard now, and being so sassy and patronising, and I 100% support this behaviour.
“Well. I am sorry you feel that way, but I know that I showed up. I really did try, but you just don’t like me, and I can feel that,” she responds, with a big-ass smile on her face.
Andrew must control the narrative. “Your perception of how I feel and how I think is not my reality – unfortunately for you,” he says. “So, again, you can assume everything you want.”
ME-FUCKING-OW.
He said he wrote stay because there was 1% of his overactive penis that wanted to give it a chance. He continues: “I feel like, you’re displaying a bit of narcissistic behaviour if I’m being completely honest with you.”
I love that Holly is just laughing at this point. Same, sis. This guy is COOKED.
“On that note, I shan’t let you insult me anymore. So I think we’re done and I think I’m going to show you the door.”
She shows him the door and now they’re speaking to the cameras.
Deep South Douche claims Holly is a narcissist because she is trying to make him out to be somebody he’s not. Doll, you made yourself look like a knob all on your own.
“I needn’t had bothered” says Holly, who is up to her fucking eyeballs with his shit.
She’s burning sage around the couch where his unpegged texasshole once sat.
Boy, bye.
Can’t wait for Holly to fuck his life up at tomorrow night’s dinner party. See you there for the takedown.
Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer. You can tell her how much you hate these MAFS recaps on IG here or LinkedIn here.
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