Age: It’s been going on for months.
Appearance: Immersive course in singing like Madonna, dancing like Madonna and acting like Madonna.
What for? So that you can be exactly like Madonna.
Yes, but to what end? In order to play Madonna in a forthcoming biopic about Madonna.
This sounds amazing! It is definitely a huge role, in what is destined to be an immense project.
Who’s directing? Madonna, from a screenplay co-written by Madonna.
And this Madonna course – is it like an all-day thing? According to insiders it consists of 11-hour sessions with Madonna’s choreographer.
Wow, sounds intense. Followed by further choreography sessions with Madonna herself, followed by readings with Madonna and singing with Madonna.
I don’t think I want to be in this movie any more. Luckily, you’re not in the running.
Who is? Among those thought to be still in contention are Julia Garner from Ozark, British actor Florence Pugh and Euphoria star Alexa Demie.
You mean they haven’t decided? No, the production is very much in the auditions phase. Emma Laird, Bebe Rexha and Sky Ferreira have also been considered.
People are having gruelling Madonna lessons with Madonna, and they haven’t even got the part yet? The successful applicant will face months of further Madonna training prior to shooting, before being directed by Madonna in the art of acting like Madonna.
Has Madonna directed anything before? Oh yes. She made her directorial debut back in 2008 with the comedy-drama Filth and Wisdom.
Never saw it. What was it like? The Guardian’s Peter Bradshaw described it as “incredibly bad”.
Are you perhaps taking his words out of context? He actually wrote: “She has made a movie so incredibly bad that Berlin festival-goers were staggering around yesterday in a state of clinical shock, deathly pale and mewing like maltreated kittens.”
Not exactly two thumbs up, is it? No, but Madonna did go on to direct another film, W.E. in 2011.
Haven’t seen that either. Any better? No.
And she’s not only directing this new biopic about her own self, she has written the screenplay as well? She was actually co-writing it with Oscar-winning screenwriter Diablo Cody, but Cody has since exited the project.
A potentially wise move. Don’t worry – another co-writer, Erin Cressida Wilson, is now on board.
Do say: “Again, but this time more like me!”
Don’t say: “Say Madonna, have you given any thought to playing the part yourself?”
