A mum who tragically lost her twin boys after going into early labour is keeping their memory alive by helping other grieving mothers. Marsha Camilleri, now 40, has signed up to be a ‘befriender’ to other recently bereaved parents.
Marsha was overjoyed to learn in the summer of 2019 that she and fiance Shawn Moore 43, were expecting twins – younger brothers for their toddler son, Sebi, who was born in May 2018.
Marsha, a housing association manager, and construction director Shawn, who live in Sutton, south London, excitedly began collecting double quantities of everything – but in January 2020 Marsha went into early labour when she was just 23 weeks pregnant.
Marsha and Shawn were devastated after complications with the boys’ shared blood supply meant neither survived. John-Paul was stillborn and Christopher died in Marsha’s arms just half an hour later.
Returning home from hospital without her baby boys, Marsha drew huge comfort from the charity Twins Trust’s bereavement service, which helped her to speak with other grieving mums.
Afterwards, she decided to volunteer to help support other recently bereaved mums. Marsha, who lives with Shawn, Sebi, now four, and their rainbow baby, 18-month-old Zach, said: “Everyone expects you to move on after losing a baby, but that doesn’t mean you forget them.
“I carried my boys for five-and-a-half months, I gave birth to them and I held them and loved them. It gives me comfort knowing I’m helping someone who is in an earlier stage of grief than me, but also it’s acknowledging my boys and keeping their memories alive by talking about them.”
'We always wanted to have a big family'
When Marsha and Shawn were first told they were having twins, it came as a welcome surprise. Marsha said: “We always wanted to have a big family, with at least three children, so the siblings would always have one another.
“We were very shocked at first to find out we were having twins but we were so excited too. We had to think about getting a new car for three seats and get double of everything.”
Other than being slightly anxious about a twin pregnancy, Marsha said everything went smoothly. “By the beginning of January, we were looking at prams and pushchairs and I had their first outfits to take them home in – these white babygrows and little hat each,” she said.
Then, on January 24, Marsha noticed she had bled a little. Heading straight to the antenatal clinic, she was reassured that everything seemed OK but she would be kept in overnight for observation.
But the next day Marsha started having contractions and went into early labour. She said: “Everything was fine at that point and they scanned me and said the twins were actually identical, which we didn’t know. But then they realised one of the twins was receiving more blood than his brother.”
The excess blood flow to one of the twins, John-Paul, was too much for him to handle and devastatingly meant he was stillborn. She said: “I didn’t understand what was happening.
'It was like the world collapsed'
“One minute everything was OK, and the next we lost one of our boys. It was like the world collapsed.”
Moments later, Christopher was born too, but his lack of bloodflow meant he was severely anaemic. Despite doctors’ best efforts, he sadly also died.
Marsha said: “I was praying Christopher would still be with us and they tried to keep him with us but there wasn’t anything else they could do. We were heartbroken.”
For a few precious days, Marsha and Shawn were able to create memories with their boys. She said: “We had the boys christened and then we had a professional photographer take photos of us together. Then we made handprints and footprints for us to keep in a box with their blankets and teddys.”
But coming home without her sons, Marsha felt overwhelmed with grief. She said: “For a while, I just kept telling myself it wasn’t real.”
Marsha added: “I felt robbed of my babies and being a mum to them. I had planned the next 18 years of my life and theirs, and suddenly you’re going home empty-handed.”
Above all, Marsha felt isolated. “People don’t know what to say to you in these situations,” she said.
“They say all the wrong things – like ‘It must have been God’s will’, or ‘Everything happens for a reason’ or ‘You’re young enough to fall pregnant again’. I know they mean well, but it made me so angry. It felt like no-one understood what I was going through.”
Then an email from the charity Twins Trust led Marsha to a life-changing support group. Marsha said: “I was signed up to lots of emails for mummy groups and I emailed them back saying ‘Please stop sending me these, I lost my boys’, and they signposted me to a bereavement group on Facebook.
“I just started off reading other women’s stories and people saying how they felt, and I couldn’t believe how many people had lost a baby. It felt like this safe space for me to go, where I didn’t need to explain myself.”
'It's so important we acknowledge the babies we lost'
The support other mums gave Marsha encouraged her earlier this year to sign herself up as a 'befriender' to other recently bereaved mums. Marsha said: “Even now, two-and-a-half years later, I still use the group and attend the online sessions and talk about everyday things – but with people who understand.
“Now, I get matched up with a mum who has recently had a loss, and talk one-on-one together, whether it is a call or email, to try and help them through their journey. It is so important we acknowledge the babies we lost because there is still such a taboo and lack of understanding. If I can help one person, that would mean the world to me.”
The Twins Trust Bereavement Service supports bereaved families through a befriending service, online group meetings, regular newsletters and fundraisers. To find out more, go to: twinstrust.org/bereavement
