In the latest episode of Succession, released on Monday, Logan Roy’s eldest son Connor finally wed his reluctant bride Willa – a union which brother Roman dubbed a “sham marriage” and “the death of romance.” Mazeltov!
Of course, this is a Succession wedding, not a normal wedding, so it’s not exactly relatable. The majority of the guests are wearing business casual attire (like Gerri’s grey power suit, or Shiv’s pointed use of the colour black), the location involves a private yacht and the decorations are all conveniently presidential campaign-adjacent. Sure, Kendall doesn’t commit manslaughter this time around but it’s hardly a conventional or smooth running affair.
The one thing it does have in common with other weddings? Gifts, gifts, gifts. But don’t expect to get away with laying down a nice little Le Creuset number at Connor and Willa’s gift table, oh no. The Roy nuptials are predictably boujie, and while we don’t know for sure what Connor and Willa received, or where they were registered (The Met? Tesla?) we do have one gift to go off: Logan Roy’s casual, uncaring offer of Napoleon Bonaparte’s love letters to his wife Josephine.
The gift is a nod to Connor’s obsession with Napoleon, which is well documented in Succession lore. He has previously mentioned his wish to purchase Napoleon’s penis (which has actually been bought and sold before, so it’s not too outlandish of a request, if a little weird), has quoted Napoleon to Logan and his ranch, Austerlitz, is named after a battle in the Napoleonic War.
It’s also a little dig from the writers at Connor’s relationship with Willa, which he is often much more romantically invested in than she is. Napoleon was completely obsessed with Josephine and his affections were not always reciprocated. His letters often feature him lamenting her lack of replies (if she doesn’t write to him every day he gets very upset), something which feels particularly reminiscent of last episode’s phone-tracking drama with Connor and Willa at the rehearsal dinner, a modern update on Napoleon’s reply-guy antics.
Also, like all things with Succession, it is a subtle display of vast wealth: According to two experts who spoke to Vulture, letters like this could fetch anywhere between $40,000 to $700,000. One particularly passionate letter, written after the couple had a fight the night before, was sold in an auction by Christie’s in 2007 for £276,000. So yeah, Le Creuset salt and pepper shakers ain’t quite cutting it.
In the spirit of Logan’s symbolic, strange and eye-wateringly expensive gift, here are five other presents we think may have been extended to the happy couple.
A plot of land in Australia
You may recall the Oscars gift bags this year sounding especially bougie. Valued around £106,000, they contained liposuction vouchers, meditation orbs, Japanese milk bread and “hair restoration consultations”. The cherry on the affluence cake, though? Guests also had the chance of reaching into their goodiebag and pulling out a bit of Australia.
No, seriously, the deed to a plot of land in the rural Australian outback was up for grabs and was meant as a “symbolic” gesture to nominees. This seems appropriately bizarre and excessive and borderline unacceptable for Connor and Willa.
A Patek Philippe watch
Cast your mind back to the very first episode of Succession and you may recall Tom Wambsgans agonising over what to get Logan for his birthday. He settles on a Patek Philippe watch (”It’s a Patek Philippe watch,” says Tom, “I know, it says it on the box,” Logan replies) which is begrudgingly accepted by Logan without a thank you and then later gifted to a small child that Roman psychologically tortures.
For context, even pre-owned Patek Philippe watches can reach the one million mark, so it seems only right that a ludicrously overpriced Patek Philippe would find its way onto Connor and Willa’s gift table, probably from Kendall, who wears one himself. Possibly one he had already bought, and got bored with.
A good divorce lawyer’s number
Tucked into the back of a present destined for Willa by a generous and canny female friend, for when she will eventually need it.
A ludicrously capacious bag
The Roy family are perhaps the most impossible set of people to buy a gift for in the whole world, real or fictional, because they’re massive snobs and they hate everything.
As such, guests who move in the Roy’s outer circle and have slightly less bottomless wealth (though still more than they know what to do with) will likely get quite flustered when trying to pick out an appropriate gift, and may make a terrible mistake in the choice they settle on. Poor Willa may be gifted a handbag which she can actually fit things in, which, as we have learned, will be deemed ludicrously capacious and probably incinerated (physically, or by Tom Wambsgans’ words).
A Vitamix A3500 Ascent Series Smart Blender
“What, you don’t hyperdecant?” In case you forgot, one of Connor Roy’s weird Connor-isms is that he’s committed to “hyper-decanting” his wine, meaning that he pours the bottle into a blender and blitzes it to enhance its flavour. Sadly this is an actual thing and not just a Connor-ism, which means other uber rich people will know about it and want to endorse Connor in his hobby, if not as a presidential nominee.
Therefore, it’s not unlikely that he will be gifted some insane space blender so he can hyper-decant to his heart’s content. The blending noise will probably be the final straw which pushes Willa to reach for that lawyer’s number, but at least Con will be crying into superior wine.
