Has anything anywhere in the world been run with such a glorious chaotic sense of bewildering joyful uselessness as Britain at the moment?
Even Liz Truss ’ press conference explaining the sacking of Kwasi Kwarteng was useless.
If you had a child who was that bad in a Nativity play, you’d tell all the parents, “That’s not my kid”.
The last straw was probably that Kwarteng suggested: “We will save money on police spending by replacing all officers with grizzly bears. This will save £10billion a year on wages as the new officers have agreed to work a 60-hour week in return for a bucket of salmon.”
The pound would have slumped again until there were nine pounds to a salt and vinegar crisp.
So now Kwarteng has been sacked, and every policy Truss said was essential will be reversed.
Eventually, they’ll get so confused they’ll accidentally reverse every law made in the 16th century, so we’ll be back at war with Spain and be advised to go to the toilet out of the window.
Next week, we’ll be told Truss was due to visit a naval base so she could be photographed sitting on a missile.
But she was called back urgently because a policy she announced in the morning, of making fracking compulsory in every school playground, caused the pound to slump again so the Japanese had bought Sheffield for £25.
Nothing would surprise us now. If we turned on the news to see all the Cabinet ministers in the House of Commons were naked and throwing trifle at each other while the Speaker drove round in a milk float shouting “order, order” and Jacob Rees-Mogg was sat on a llama jousting, we’d just think, ‘Oh it’s them again’, and turn over to a baking contest.
Jamie Oliver has become the latest big name to express rage at the Government, alongside the Archbishop of Canterbury, the BBC’s financial expert, the Royal College of Nursing and the Royal Society for the Protection of Birds.
Next week, the Lawn Croquet Association will say: “Our members feel very strongly that they wish to place a hoop on Jeremy Hunt’s buttocks and whack a ball up the middle.”
Now the Conservative Party is working out who to replace Truss with. You hear theories, such as, “We’re considering a similar policy to Have I Got News For You, with a guest PM each week. Claudia Winkleman has expressed an interest so we’re hopeful”.
Every day, reporters say something like over 200 Tory MPs have written letters saying they want Liz Truss to be put in a barrel with a python.
Almost every MP, no matter how discredited, is suggested as a leader.
There are Tories who suggest some-one, saying “the only problem with him is he crawls round on the floor all day as he thinks he’s a pig. But the noise can be cute and could win back voters in Red Wall seats”.
Once Russia has finally been kicked out of Ukraine, I wonder if Volodymyr Zelensky could be persuaded to invade Britain?
