The message from the candidates to be Prime Minister is clear and inspiring.
They both say: “We have to change everything about the way this country is run.
“Because for too long it’s been run by idiots such as me. I am the only person that can be trusted to correct the disasters of people like me. So let’s get rid of people like me, and have me instead.”
Liz Truss says she will cut taxes, because there’s a “consensus amongst economists” that we must do this.
When she was asked to name these economists, she could only think of one, someone called Patrick Minford from Cardiff University. But there’s a consensus among him so that ought to be enough.
If she becomes Prime Minister, she’ll ask Patrick Minford from Cardiff University what he would do, and then we’ll do that, as there’s a consensus.
If Patrick Minford from Cardiff University says we should bet the whole defence budget on Harry Kane to be the next scorer in a match between Spurs and West Ham, Liz Truss will announce: “There’s a clear consensus amongst economists, because Patrick Minford from Cardiff University said the odds flashed up on his phone and he’s got a funny feeling that today’s his lucky day.”
Rishi Sunak replied that Liz Truss is “dangerous”. This must be why he’s been in the same Cabinet as her for three years, and never once mentioned that one of the people running the country is a maniac.
I suppose he was terrified, as she was always running around with a pair of scissors.
In the last TV debate, Sunak said that Penny Morduant was “arguing for socialism”, going “further than Jeremy Corbyn.”
Now that Penny is out, he’ll say: “Liz Truss is too left-wing for Jeremy Corbyn as well. She wants us to give all our vegetables to the Chinese Communist Party. That’s why Corbyn wouldn’t have her in the Labour Party, she was after the spring onions from his allotment.”
They both say they don’t think Boris Johnson is fit to be in their Cabinet, although neither ever objected that he was Prime Minister.
Liz Truss will explain this by saying: “I couldn’t know he’d been at any illegal parties during lockdown, as there was a consensus among Boris Johnsons that he was telling the truth.”
Rishi never complained once about him, more likely saying: “I would marry the Prime Minister, except he has to borrow money for wallpaper which is rather common as my wife’s richer than the Queen.”
But now Rishi will try to charm us with a homely tale of how he’s an ordinary chap.
He’ll say: “We had quite a laugh last week because my wife had a couple of sherries, then started shopping online and bought Italy.
"She completely forgot about it until a man from Amazon arrived and asked for her signature. Now we’ve got the Vatican in the garden. Still, these are the sorts of problems we all have to get through.”
And they will both campaign under the slogan: “If you’re sick of people like me, vote for me.”
