Dear Lily. I’m so worried about offending people that I’ve become a bit of a people pleaser. But I’m on the verge of burning out. How do I say no?
Dear reader,
There’s a phenomenon in neuroscience known as “Negativity Bias”, which in essence shows us that the brain responds more fiercely to a negative stimulus than a positive one. It’s only trying to keep us safe – from a survival standpoint, feeling and remembering painful encounters helps us better avoid them in the future.
But, as with so many instances of ancient nervous system vs. modern living, the brain isn’t helping here. Hardwired to respond more powerfully to a “No” than a “Yes”, it regularly stops us from saying it. Knowing a “No” will hurt, we end up taking on burdens, agreeing to activities, putting other people’s needs first and think that by doing so, we’re not “offending” anyone.
But this approach isn’t harmless. An outward “Yes” often means an inward “No” – by trying to never let others down, we end up “offending” ourselves.
Please, forget f*cking bubble baths, saying no is a form of actual, essential self-care. It says: “my needs take priority here”. We can’t do it all, and sometimes you must choose you.
An inability to say no comes up all the time in my coaching practice, so here’s the 5-step plan I give clients to help them say no and not feel bad about it, hopefully it’ll help you too.
1. Get clear on your why – e.g., preventing burnout. This will help you respect your decision, even if someone else may not. And remember, a no now doesn’t mean forever.
2. Replace your automatic “Yes” with "I'll think about it." This approach gives you some time to evaluate the impact of saying yes on your own life.
3. Practice the conversation. If you’re feeling nervous then mentally run through how it’d ideally play out. Get clear on your why and identify conflict points that may arise.
4. As a people pleaser you need to make peace with someone thinking you’re selfish or rude. You can’t control what other people think of you, you can only control what you think of yourself. Remember: outward no = inward YES. It also helps to remind yourself that an honest relationship is the best kind – a true friend will want to help you not feel burnout.
5. Say no with compassion. Make it clear it’s about protecting your own energy and time. Think of the kindness you’re showing all round by demonstrating boundaries. Ultimately, call on that cheesiest of all breakup lines: It’s not you, it’s me.
