You’d need to have a heart of stone not to feel a sliver of compassion for the home secretary. Just a fortnight ago James Cleverly was living his best life. Flying around the world by private jet – or, if he had to slum it, business class – in search of photos of himself with world leaders in his capacity as foreign secretary. Keepsakes to boast to the kids about when he was out of a job in a year’s time.
It was the ideal job. Because literally all that was expected of him was to be able to smile and not be rude to anyone. There was no pressure on him to resolve any of the world’s crisis points, because that was never part of the job description. Neither Israel nor Hamas wait to take their cues from the UK. Likewise Russia and Ukraine.
We’re just global window dressing. Our foreign policy goals are simple. To make us feel better about ourselves internationally. Safe in the knowledge that no one else is watching. Or cares that much. So as long as Cleverly could articulate the words “we have to achieve a peaceful two-state solution”, he was a stunning success. With time, you could have probably trained my dog to be foreign secretary.
Now, though, Cleverly is in the eye of the storm. Jimmy Dimly isn’t the brightest of cabinet ministers – who is? – but even he can work out he’s been chucked a hospital pass.
First with the Rwanda policy that the supreme court has all but killed off. A policy that he himself had described as batshit. Then with the immigration figures that showed that nearly three-quarters of a million more people came to the UK last year, almost all of them legally. And here again he was left to take the hit from the right wing of his party who would rather the NHS and social care services fall apart than be staffed by foreigners.
So it was a defensive-looking Jimmy D who turned up in the Commons for his first Home Office departmental questions. As he took his seat, his eyes darted to the opposition and government benches. As if trying to check out from where any likely trouble would come. Wondering also if it might come from his own immigration minister. A rather bigger fan of the Rwanda scheme
Fortunately, Robert Jenrick was on his best behaviour. Honest Bob is another Tory minister who has been on quite the journey. Back in 2014 when he was first elected in a byelection, Honest Bob was a true Cameroon. Anything Big Dave said or thought. That’s what Honest Bob said and thought. He wouldn’t have dreamed of supporting Rwanda.
But to Honest Bob the career has been everything. He has never had any beliefs to believe in. Along with helping out the Tory donor and pornographer Richard “Dirty” Desmond with planning permission, he’s just done anything to advance himself. He will say whatever he thinks the boss class wants him to say. Rwanda was never a matter of principle. Just a quick sadistic thrill allied to a job in the cabinet. The unpleasantness is just a gratuitous add-on.
So when Tory James Morris understandably inquired what the government policy on Rwanda now was – under Suella it had been the end goal, for Cleverly it was apparently “just one of several ideas” – Honest Bob declined to break ranks. That might have required a sense of self-worth. Of personal credibility.
Instead, he just said what was easiest. That when he had previously insisted that Rwanda was the linchpin of the government’s illegal migration policy, what he had always meant was that it was actually neither here nor there. In the greater scheme of things it was largely immaterial. A Freudian slip. Not least because it’s never going to happen.
Thereafter it was left to Jimmy D to do the heavy lifting on the supreme court judgment. The delusional Miriam Cates along with Jack Brereton and Simon Clarke wanted reassurances that reality could be whatever they wanted it to be. Could the government say that Rwanda didn’t kill refugees so the UK could then ignore all other international legal obligations?
Dimly coughed politely. He hadn’t quite appreciated just how mad the Tories were. Nor did anyone seem to have considered that Rwanda might be unwilling to sign a treaty giving Britain the right to tell Rwanda what to do. Or that Rwanda might think the UK to be an unsafe country.
For the rest of the session, Jimmy D got off quite lightly. No one on either side of the house wanted to raise the migration statistics. Yet again Brexit is the truth that cannot be told by Conservatives or Labour. Just as well, as no one in government has a clue what to do about migration.
But Dimly wasn’t entirely done. He was back 45 minutes later to hear a point of order raised by Alex Cunningham. The Labour MP wanted an apology for Cleverly having told porkies. Rather than admitting he had called his Stockton constituency a “shithole”, he had tried to claim that what he had said was that Cunningham was a “shit MP”.
Not the most convincing of explanations, as Cleverly had first denied he had said anything at all, and his subsequent elucidation bore no resemblance to the audio recording. Put simply, Dimly wasn’t entirely convincing. But he was only prepared to apologise for the things he hadn’t said. Or the things that he might have said if you hadn’t actually been able to hear him. It was the looking-glass world of Rwanda all over again.
Cunningham umm-ed and ahh-ed. It was hard to accept an apology for something that hadn’t been said. He hadn’t taken enough acid for that. Dimly was now outraged. How dare anyone doubt his word. He would never say the things he had said. His self-importance has never been in greater evidence. All puffed up and no place to go.
Was the Labour MP calling him a liar? Er, yes and no. Because obviously it is impossible for one MP to call another a liar. The deputy speaker intervened. Could they not pretend that the apology was just for saying the word “shit”? And pretend that inside Dimly was a foul-mouthed homunculus over whom Jimmy D had no control and who kept putting words into his mouth.
It was a farce. Everyone knows exactly what was said. Yet again, parliament had fallen over itself to treat us all like mugs. A place where honour counts more than the truth.
John Crace’s book Depraved New World (Guardian Faber, £16.99) is out now. To support the Guardian and Observer, order your copy and save 18% at guardianbookshop.com. Delivery charges may apply.
A year in Westminster: John Crace and Marina Hyde live in London and online. On Monday 11 December 8pm-9.30pm GMT, join John Crace, Marina Hyde and Pippa Crerar for a livestream discussion on another year of anarchy in British politics. Book tickets here or at theguardian.live
