Today marks the beginning of the NFL’s “legal tampering” period in what is sure to be a wild free agency. NFL teams can start talking to prospective free ag–
Hey, wait a minute! Let’s backtrack for a second. “Legal tampering” doesn’t make sense. Think about it.
Tampering, as strictly defined, means to “interfere with (something) in order to cause damage or make unauthorized alterations.” The keyword there is “unauthorized.” Legal, as loosely defined, implies something is authorized and/or allowed.
So, in essence, anyone who says “legal tampering” to describe the period where free agents and NFL teams can talk is saying “authorized unauthorized” contact. It’s an embarrassing oxymoron in action.
To be fair to the NFL, they don’t actually say “legal tampering.” At least not anymore. The league calls it the “legal negotiation window.” It’s only so many of us that continue to, for some reason, insist on using a phrase that doesn’t make sense.
I know, the “legal negotiation window” makes it sound boring and colorless, but at least it’s correct! We need legitimate standards to discuss the Very Serious Zoom calls 300-pound men have with guys in three-piece suits before a fresh NFL league year.
In the best exercise of the English language (and pro football pedantry), here’s a list of alternatives we could use for legal tampering during this year’s free agency.
1
"Lawful murmurs"
In staying aligned with the theme, we can add a degree of gravitas to unofficial contract talks. “Lawful” implies that the opposite isn’t allowed or is somehow taboo. (Oh?) As for murmurs, those can be anything! Sure, negotiations can be enveloped in, but a murmur can also be a dark secret you tell a friend (like the limited amount of guaranteed money) in a contract.
2
"Constitutional heart-to-hearts"
If you think about it, the NFL is its own state.
It’s not a country in the traditional sense of the term, but it does have its own rules and regulations and a football-loving populace it answers to. “Constitutional” makes the league’s free agent window seem much more official and dressed up.
But for as fancy and Important as the Football Folks can be, they still have heart-to-hearts, right? They’re opening up about why it would be awesome to block for Star Quarterback A or to have Left Tackle C as a part of their offensive line. These are emotional conversations!
They should be construed as such.
3
"Football gabfest"
I’ll be honest: I don’t think I have to explain this one much.
This is basically what we all do with our friends already — gab away about football minutiae. Why should powerful executives and professional athletes be any different? They’re just like us, for real, etc.
4
"Certified schmoozing"
Oh heck yeah, we’re diving deep into the thesaurus now.
“Certified” carries the implication that free agency is weighty and heavy and is some of the most crucial news of the year. Huh, do you need educational certification to talk about the salary cap and QB pressures? I don’t know, but it sounds plausible.
And schmoozing is unquestionably what teams are doing to free agents. Imagine some of these conversations during early free agency.
Why yes, your life will be changed by joining the 7-10 Cleveland Browns. We’re on your team as much as you are on ours. What’s that? It’s cold and dreary for eight months of the year here? No, no, that’s overblown. Don’t you know the weather is so up and down?
Schmoozing, through and through.
5
"Slide into DMs (Double Coverage, Man-to-Man)"
With apologies to our bigger bowling ball friends, this nomenclature is admittedly a little exclusive to cornerbacks and safeties. But why should we not have a specific niche for members of the defensive secondary?
They are, after all, some of the players who change teams the most often! In fact, I’d say it happens enough that they should get their own coded contract talk niche about the sorts of dynamite coverage they’ll play with their team. The kind of coverage they’ll … slide into, so to speak.
6
"Empowered flirting"
Look, I have little doubt we’ve all been here, trying to impress that special someone. Now try to be in the shoes of a football star or a GM in a make-or-break year. They, too, are trying to impress that special someone to make a lot of money, win championships (or save their job).
There is no tangible difference between flirting in the romantic sense (trying to attract someone) and flirting in the football sense (trying to attract a player to wear your jersey for a few years). It’s just that it’s more empowering during free agency.
Let loose, Football Guys. This is when that contract flirting is really allowed!
7
"Speed negotiating"
You’ve heard of speed dating — entering a room with a bunch of single people and spending a few minutes in conversation with everyone. Perhaps you find someone you like and want to go on a proper date with.
Now try speed negotiating — entering a room with a bunch of free-agent football players and spending a few minutes in conversation with everyone. Perhaps you find someone you like and want them to sign a contract.
This … admittedly relies on the conceit that all the free-agent NFL players would gather in one place to talk with all the GMs and coaches looking to buy. And, you know what, that’d be a ton of fun, actually!
Let’s make speed negotiating happen, people.
8
"Negotiation anthology"
Why should free agency be limited to “negotiation”?
Are teams who want new players only having a conversation with one player? No, not at all! They’re talking to guys who could leave their squad and big fish they want to reel in. It’s a collection of discussions for contracts that are published. It’s a free-agent anthology with an inherently individualized compelling story for every negotiation with every team and every player. You get something new and cool with every iteration!
