NOTHING LIKE THE BEST, NOT GOOD ENOUGH
We’ll be honest with you: The Fiver went big on the struggles of Everton last week because we thought we’d get our trademark cheap digs in while the going was good. After all, they’d surely pick up six points from their matches in the Goodison cauldron against Wolves and Newcastle, whereupon any notions of impending relegation would become fanciful and the chance to riff, bebop and scat on Frank Lampard’s pain would be gone. The mental gymnastics we have to perform, eh, readers? We go to these extra lengths just for you. You deserve it. Nil Satis Nisi Optimum, right?
However, as we watched the blood drain from Lampard’s face yesterday afternoon, supporters segueing seamlessly from supportive cheering to booing to a crisp, clear snatch of You’re Not Fit To Wear The Shirt, we began to wonder if the unthinkable was starting to occur in plain sight in front of our very eyes. We’ve seen that grey, glazed expression of confused impotence on Merseyside before – Mike Walker, Roy Hodgson, Jimmy Corkhill – and it rarely ends well. The miserable 1-0 defeat to Wolves means the Ev are now only out of the relegation places on goal difference, with rejuvenated 18th-placed Watford breathing down their necks, and the aforementioned Hodgson, merely by adding a pair of wire spectacles, now transformed into a windswept romantic with a vague similarity to late-era WB Yeats. A terrible beauty is born.
Lampard, in one of those excruciating Fronting Up post-match interviews, insisted that “we have belief” and that his team will “keep fighting for it”. That’s the sort of tough talk that used to work so well at peak-Jose Chelsea – Claude Makélélé, John Terry, all that – but doesn’t land so firmly when you’re relying on Dele Alli and Jarrad Branthwaite. Everton still have matches in hand on those around them at the bottom, but should they fail to pick up all three points later this week against a Newcastle team suddenly good enough to give the European and world champions a game, that might not count for too much, because the rest of that run-in is testing, to say the very least. Time to forget about the league and concentrate on the cup? Hey, it didn’t do Wigan any terminal damage.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Obviously we understand, we understand their hate and their screams. We’re all to blame, not one more than the other” – PSG defender Presnel Kimpembe on the jeers from home fans during the win against Bordeaux on Sunday, rather than the atmosphere in the dressing room after the defeat to Real Madrid. We think.
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FIVER LETTERS
“I’m pleased to announce that I’m establishing a consortium to buy Chelsea. It will be myself (obviously), Emperor Palpatine, Ernst Stavro Blofeld and Cersei Lannister (who will also be in charge of PR and will accessorise her outfit with the club scarf on matchdays). I think we’re in with a shot, as I’m pretty sure we’d be only the third most objectionable club owners in the Premier League right now” – Adam Uncamus.
“Knowing who is currently chief suit of Chelsea and reading the name of a potential buyer, there is potentially the best combination of Buck and Candy since a 1989 John Hughes film. What’s the record for most consecutive questions asked at one of Tommy T’s press conferences?” – Ed Taylor.
“The sad death of former Everton manager Gordon Lee reminds me of an anecdote about the time he met Malcolm MacDonald when he had just broken into the England squad. He asked Malcolm: ‘with a name like MacDonald what on earth are you doing playing for England?’ Supermac replied: ‘so how many games have you played for China, Gordon?’” – Allastair McGillivray
“Friday’s Fiver sniffily deemed no missive worthy of letter o’ the day honours, when Keith Buchanan’s witty U2-themed epistle really should have been the One. The award would surely have meant a beautiful day for Mr Buchanan, for whom this must now be a case of faraway, so close! The Fiver does move in mysterious ways” – Lean Ka-Min.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’ the day is …Adam Uncamus.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Ralf Rangnick has a just-about-fully-fit Manchester United squad to choose from for their meeting with Atlético Madrid on Tuesday, but is concerned about tiny punctuation marks following one member of his squad. “There is a question mark, a small question mark, behind Luke Shaw,” he fretted; Alex Telles could not be reached for comment.
Fifa is the latest sports organisation to review its relationship with the global sports concussion organisation CISG.
The total prize money pot for the Women’s FA Cup next season will rise to £3m.
Barnsley’s “Budapest Baggio” Callum Styles has been called up by Hungary for the first time.
Steven Davis, 62, is in line to win his 133rd cap for Norn Iron after being named in the squad for friendlies against Callum Styles’s Hungary and Luxembourg.
Tommy T says he will be staying at Chelsea until at least the end of the season. “There’s no doubt,” he sobbed.
And Chelsea fans have been told to stop chanting Roman Abramovich’s name by Downing Street. “We recognise the strength of feeling around people’s clubs but that does not excuse behaviour which is completely inappropriate at this time,” the prime minister’s spokesman sighed – and he should know.
STILL WANT MORE?
Ten: Pearl Jam’s second best album and coincidentally the number of talking points there were in the Premier League this weekend.
Maryam Naz, Sarah Rendell and Sophie Downey round up the latest round of WSL games.
Jacob Steinberg was at Stamford Bridge on Sunday and reports on a dark day for those who care for football’s soul.
Blessin’s impact at Genoa cannot be disguised, writes Nicky Bandini, but wins must follow soon.
There might be a Bundesliga title race after all, writes Andy Brassell.
BOOOOOOOOOO! Adam White has the latest from EvertonPSG.
And if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
