Age: Pre-Christian, so pretty old.
Appearance: Hircine.
Come again? "Goat-like".
That doesn't look like any goat I ever saw. All right then – half goat, half demon.
I would say that thing is a quarter goat at the most. Whatever. He's synonymous with Christmas.
No he isn't. Yes he is: every yuletide, Krampus appears armed with a rusty chain to beat naughty children, and a sack to cart them off to the underworld.
Perhaps you've confused Christmas with the End Times. Not at all. Krampus is a traditional part of Germany's Christmas celebrations, accompanying St Nicholas on his feast-day rounds on the eve of 6 December, known as Krampusnacht.
Are you making this up? No. There is also an annual Krampuslauf – or Krampus run – in which drunken men dressed as devils parade through the streets frightening everyone. In the 19th century Austrians sent each other Krampus cards.
Well, I've never heard of Krampus. Probably because he has been suppressed over the years, first by the Catholic church and later by fascists. In America, the task of separating naughty from nice was passed to the rather less GBH-inclined Santa Claus.
Good riddance. But Krampus has persisted in Germany and Austria, and he's now making a bit of a comeback, even in the US. Annual Krampusnacht celebrations have started in US cities including San Francisco and Portland.
Why? It appears to be a reaction against a holiday that has become increasingly anodyne, child-centric and commercialised, and an attempt to re-engage with a darker, pagan tradition.
I guess it's hard to commercialise an evil devil-goat with a taste for corporal punishment. But not impossible, it seems. In Austria Krampus chocolates, figurines and novelty horns are for sale, and St Nicholas Day now presents a marketing opportunity to rival Christmas. Krampus is beginning to lose his edge.
Krampus has gone soft? Don't let him hear you talking that way.
Do say: "You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not shout; I'm telling you why: Krampus is coming to drag you back to hell."
Don't say: "Did you see the John Lewis Krampus ad? I cried with terror. And then I bought a microwave."
