Kissing is one of the first things that falls off the list as the years roll by and babies are born, jobs are worked, chores are done and life is, well... lived.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that with long-term relationships thoughts like 'why have I gone off sex', and 'should we try tantric sex, it worked for Sting?' are inevitable - you might even go as far as Googling 'how to spice up my relationship'. Two things, 1. You're not alone in thinking, wondering or Googling any of this. And, 2. The fact you are thinking, wondering and Googling this means that all is not lost. The spark is still there... it just needs an ember, a nudge, right?
In parenthood, we're tired utterly exhausted, and we're juggling to the max. If it’s not the chaotic school run, it’s handling toddler tantrums and, if we’re honest, having a few ourselves. If we find any time for intimacy, it's a given that we usually head straight to the main event - when you only have twenty minutes before you conk out, it’s hard not to (no pun intended).
But, what if we revisited a little lip action and put smooching back on the agenda? I'm a sex positivity and maternal health expert and here's why kissing should go back on your favourites list if you want to really rediscover your sex life...
1. Kissing makes the build up more fun
On the surface this is a no brainer, but did you know that as parents, particularly mums, our mental load is huge. And our levels of desire are directly linked to how much we have going on mentally. For cis-gender women and/or the primary care-giver, it can take up to an hour for your body to switch out of parenting and into passion mode, so if you jump straight into bed and expect magic to happen, you might be disappointed. Why not spend time kissing on the sofa instead?
A good old-fashioned snog is a great way to connect with your partner: it hints of things to come, doesn’t require much effort (crucial when you’ve come off the back of a hard day of parenting) and should leave you in just the right frame of mind to take it further. Spending time here first helps you slowly but surely leave that heavy mental load behind.
GoodToKnow's family editor, Stephanie Lowe agrees; "My husband and I tried this - and Clio is spot on it really does build up the fun and suspense. I'll be honest we felt silly at first, like it was staged and awkward, but that soon went. The only thing I would share is that there needs to be some ground rules... like 'no touching below the shoulders', or something. Because, truth be told, old habits die hard."
2. Replace the main event with kissing
If you’re finding that sex is just too big an ask, you can also use kissing to take the pressure off the main event. Ask yourself what would happen if you restricted yourself to just kissing. In relationships where one partner usually initiates or has a higher need for sex than the other, it can often feel like a make out session is expected to lead further. This means the other partner is less open to starting any intimate interaction at all.
"Foreplay starts the minute sex ends..."
Esther Perel
By taking sex off the agenda completely, and communicating and agreeing this ahead of time, then that pressure disappears and you can concentrate on just enjoying this level of pleasure. Plus, couples can often find that once sex is off the table it feels a touch illicit, and when you can’t have something, it makes you want it more… so try feeding your libido a little reverse psychology.
3. Sneak a cheeky kiss in when you’re least expecting it
Esther Perel, everyone’s favourite sexual psychotherapist, says that ‘Foreplay starts the minute sex ends.’ By which she means you have to be nice to each other in between sexual encounters for you to feel even an iota of desire towards the other person when sexy time comes round. If you’re constantly reminding each other that you fancy the other person, and are loving towards them, you’ll both be far more inclined to jump back into the sack with each other when the time comes.
I’m not talking about additional date nights or deep and meaningful conversations (although those would be lovely). Niceness doesn’t have to take long: it might simply look like a longer kiss in the morning rather than a quick peck on the cheek, or a kiss with meaning when you’d normally brush lips in passing.
These moments build up a bank of connection that you can call on the next time you have sex, so the warm up time won’t take quite as long and you remember just how good that connection can feel.
If you're looking for more relationship advice, we spoke to a body language expert to find out how to tell if someone likes you. We've also rounded up 12 tell-tale signs that you're partner could be cheating, and found out the meaning behind popular wedding traditions.
