SHORTLY before FMQs today we received a breaking news alert informing us that the Met’s investigation into Downing Street parties had finally concluded.
In total 126 referrals for fixed-penalty notices were issued. Some people were fined multiple times.
Though not, it seems, the famously greasy piglet Boris Johnson, who was told he will receive no further action from the police over partygate.
So that party held in his flat – the one with booze and Abba – was somehow within the rules. Instead of shouting at grannies sitting on park benches during lockdown the police should have just advised them to invite their pals round for a carry-out.
Lucky escape doesn’t quite cover it.
Back at Holyrood and Douglas Ross (relieved no doubt that he doesn’t need to resend his tattered letter of no confidence in his boss) asked the First Minister about ScotRail’s new temporary reduced timetable.
He asked the First Minister if she wanted to apologise to passengers for the delays and inconvenience this would cause.
“I always express apologies to anybody – whether on our rail services or any other public services – [when they] are not getting the standard of service they deserve” she said.
She went on to stress that the new timetable is temporary and “made necessary by the decision of some drivers not to take up the option of overtime, Sunday and rest day working as part of a pay dispute.”
The Scottish Tory leader hit back, criticising Nicola Sturgeon for not taking the opportunity to say sorry. “Those words did not come out of the First Minister’s mouth” he said.
“She did apologise!” shouted a few SNP backbenchers. “No she didn’t!” the Scottish Tory benches shouted back.
If this was a pantomime you’d be leaving at the interval and requesting a refund. “Seven weeks into nationalisation and it’s already proving a disaster” continued Ross.
At this point, that gleeful expression came over his face which can only mean one of two things. Either he’s had a “good job, buddy” text from Boris OR he’s about to deliver one of the prescripted zingers he alone seems to enjoy so much.
Brace yourselves.
“The SNP took over the running of our rail service on April Fool’s day – but Nat Rail is no joke for Scotland’s passengers…”
If Murdo Fraser was in the country I think even he would have groaned at that one.
Anas Sarwar skipped the jokes and went straight for outrage.
“Already, due to SNP incompetence, a thousand services cut a day. Proposals to shut booking offices! Rail fares up!...Yet again, the SNP chase the headline but won’t do the work. Maybe they should employ fewer spin doctors and more train drivers!”
Could we look into training the spin doctors to become train drivers? Killing two birds with one stone. Our rail services will be more reliable and if politicians want comms advice they have to pay through the nose for a ride on the Edinburgh to Glasgow service.
To the noisy approval of her back benches, the First Minister shot back: “Chasing headlines, Presiding Officer, could that be like – I don’t know, perhaps – saying in a council election there will be no coalitions and then doing backroom deals with the Tories after the council elections?”
“How dare Anas Sarwar talk about the cost of living when his party is seeking to do backroom deals with the authors of that cost-of-living crisis?”
