Jimmy Kimmel
On Jimmy Kimmel Live!, the host spoke about Donald Trump’s recent financial disclosure report which told us many things about the former president’s dealings but also that he made just $201 from his much-trumpeted social media platform Truth Social.
Kimmel joked that it was “less than he would have made if he started a lemonade stand outside of Mar-a-Lago” before also revealing that it is the 10,953th most visited site in the world, “more than a thousand spots behind arbys.com”.
He moved on to the Fox News/Dominion trial with the network in “a very difficult position now” as proceedings are set to begin with damning evidence against them including texts in which execs openly talk about how dumb Trump’s lawyers were.
Trump recently posted that Fox should double down and continue to report the falsehoods they are currently being sued over. Kimmel said it was “like if OJ tried on the glove then turned around and killed Johnnie Cochran with it”.
Kimmel then moved on to his recent appearance at an NRA convention, where he called for teachers across the US to be armed to help combat school shootings. “What a remarkably stupid and dangerous idea,” Kimmel said. He joked that if this had been the case when he was at school, “my Spanish teacher would have shot me at least 15 times”.
At the same event, Mike Pence also spoke, “there to fire things up and really rock their Glocks off” and while he is predicted to make an announcement over his presidential campaign, Kimmel said “he might as well announce he’s running for wide receiver of the Colts”.
The far-right news network Newsmax recently aired a segment over concerns that the increase in LGBTQ+ people will have a devastating effect on the future of humanity, noting that the plan is apparently to turn everyone gay. If that happens, Kimmel said that he guesses “maybe we’ll have a lot of brunch”.
He added: “There’s so much fear about sexuality and gender and wokeness. Mostly people don’t even know what woke means, it’s just a word that gives Tucker Carlson a rage-boner every night when he goes to sleep.”
Stephen Colbert
On The Late Show, Stephen Colbert spoke about Joe Biden’s trip to Ireland, which has been “everything he dreamed it would be”.
He played footage of a recent speech where Biden ended with “let’s go lick the world”, a phrase that Colbert confessed to having “no idea what the hell that means”.
During another appearance at his ancestral home of County Mayo, Biden made his “first ever WWE entrance” on stage to dramatic light. Biden said “I see the light” to the attendees. Colbert joked: “There are three things you never say at your age, sir: ‘I see the light’, ‘that can wait until tomorrow’ and ‘I’ll drive’.”
The Fox News/Dominion trial has been delayed and may even be settled before it begins. “You cannot take this away from me, this is my Super Bowl,” Colbert said.
He moved on to Clarence Thomas, the supreme court justice who was revealed to have accepted lavish gifts and trips on the yacht and private jet of the billionaire Harlan Crow, who also collects Nazi memorabilia.
The last week has also shown that Crow bought the house where Thomas’s elderly mother is living rent-free. His defence is that he wants to create a public museum at the Thomas home.
“Just a reminder that Harlan Crow has Hitler’s napkins and a statue of Stalin in his garden so building you a museum: not a huge compliment,” Colbert said.
