Jimmy Kimmel
Late-night hosts continued to check in on the House’s slowly evolving investigation into the January 6 insurrection, including a report that many of the official documents handed over by the National Archives had been ripped up by Donald Trump.
“The National Archives didn’t explain how they know they were ripped up by Trump,” said Jimmy Kimmel on Tuesday evening. “My guess is tiny little barbecue sauce fingerprints.”
It’s not surprising, given that Trump’s habit for ripping up official documents has been well publicized. “He was under the impression that the documents couldn’t be put back together because his son Eric ate all the glue at the White House,” Kimmel quipped.
The documents are intact, however, thanks to National Archives employees who have taped the papers back together. “I love that Robert Mueller couldn’t get him but Trump might finally get brought down by a roll of Scotch tape,” Kimmel joked.
Stephen Colbert
Tuesday 1 February, marked the first day of Black History Month – “for Americans, this is a time to celebrate the black experience and black contributions to our country,” noted Stephen Colbert on the Late Show. “And for corporate brands, it’s a time to suggest that Langston Hughes would’ve enjoyed the new Wendy’s Double Baconator.”
In other, more ominous news, the House committee on the January 6 attack on the Capitol received evidence that Trump, in the weeks after the 2020 election, personally directed his lawyer, Rudy Giuliani, to ask the Department of Homeland Security if it could seize voting machines in swing states.
“Let’s be clear: it is difficult, after years of building a thick, protective callous over my heart and my brain just to protect myself from the hot black tar of his narcissistic, evil impulses, for me to take this information in, for the gargantuan and grotesque violation of everything this country holds dear,” said Colbert of the information, first reported by the New York Times.
“But I think it’s worth taking a moment right now just to let this sink in. Just to marinate in his madness,” he continued. “Because the former president – still the leader of one of the two major parties, who has all the Republican balls in a little velvet pouch that he wears around his neck like an amulet – wanted troops, US troops, to go into your local polling place, grab the machines, throw them in a truck, and then God knows what? Waterboard them until they he won?
“You should be alarmed, even if you voted for him, because military coups do not lead to healthy societies,” he concluded. “Nobody ever says, ‘if only we could emulate the economic miracle that is Myanmar.’”
Trevor Noah
Tom Brady’s calling it quits, but a big question remains: what will become of Gronk? pic.twitter.com/06oVxwnTPw
— The Daily Show (@TheDailyShow) February 2, 2022
And on the Daily Show, Trevor Noah celebrated the retirement of the NFL great Tom Brady at the age of 44, after 22 seasons and seven Super Bowls.
“Whether you loved him or hated him, you have to admire Tom Brady’s journey,” Noah said. “I mean, when this dude started his career, he was picked almost dead last in the draft. And yet he ended up dominating the game for 20 years. Which is an important lesson for all the little kids out there who might be coming in last.
“And that lesson is: this probably won’t happen for you. See, this was only going to happen one time, and Tom Brady took it, I’m sorry.”
The retirement isn’t surprising, Noah continued, as press swirled around unofficial reports that Brady would hang up his cleats for days. “What is surprising is that at 44 years old this guy was still dominating the NFL! Think about it: the NFL, where people car accident each other for a living. And this guy was doing that in his 40s. Most people I know in his 40s are like, ‘ah, my back hurts, I think I slept too long.’”
Brady’s retirement raises the question: is he the best quarterback of all time? “Some people say yes, because he holds all the records and won the most Super Bowls,” Noah answered. “Other people say ‘no, because he didn’t do that to my team!’”
