Jimmy Kimmel
Jimmy Kimmel has waited for George Santos to be voted out of Congress all week and on Thursday evening, he was still waiting. “Why this has taken so long, I have no idea,” he said of the disgraced New York congressman. “This is like if a mental patient escaped the hospital and wandered into an air traffic control tower and then a year later he was still up there landing planes.”
But Santos “is making the most of his remaining time in the spotlight” with a press conference in which he promised that his departure wouldn’t mean goodbye forever, “which is exactly what you expect to hear from someone who’s about to say goodbye forever”, Kimmel quipped.
Santos also tried to appeal to Republicans with a pledge of allegiance to Donald Trump: “I won’t rest until I see Donald Trump back in the White House,” he said.
“He also won’t rest because of the diet pills, but that’s another thing entirely,” Kimmel joked. “Wow, the coveted George Santos endorsement, Trump must be ecstatic. I think maybe we found his running mate, wouldn’t that be great?”
“It’s going to be funny when Republicans and Democrats vote him out of the House tomorrow,” he added, “and even funnier six months from now when he gets voted out of the Celebrity Big Brother house by Snooki and Flavor Flav.”
The Daily Show
Is Henry Kissinger the GOAT of war criminals? Let's discuss. pic.twitter.com/dGH0dheELd
— The Daily Show (@TheDailyShow) December 1, 2023
On The Daily Show, the guest host Michelle Wolf reacted to the death of the former secretary of state Henry Kissinger, responsible for much of US foreign policy during the Vietnam war.
Kissinger’s death at 100 “just goes to show you that if you have zero morals, you’ll lead a long, stress-free life”, Wolf said. “He committed massacres and lived to be 100, while the rest of us over here are dying at 47 because we can’t stop stressing about the time we waved to a person who was actually waving to someone behind us.
“He’s one of America’s greatest war criminals,” she continued. “The question is: is he America’s greatest war criminal?” To answer, she staged a debate on America’s Goat war criminal between the correspondents Ronny Chieng and Michael Kosta.
Chieng offered the Kissinger as top war criminal perspective: “This dude was doing massacres in countries that Americans didn’t even know were countries,” he said. “He was putting them on the map! And then carpet-bombing them off the map. He’s like a genocidal Carmen Sandiego.”
Michael Kosta picked Dick Cheney, who “shot his friend in the face, and it was one of the nicest things he’s ever done”.
“Sure, Dick Cheney lied about WMDs, but my boy Kissinger was using WMDs,” Chieng retorted. “Plus, he was in the game for over 60 years. Dick Cheney had, what, like five good seasons?”
“He was chasing wars the way Durant chases teams,” Kosta said. “How can Kissinger be the war crimes Goat when he won the Nobel peace prize, you fucking idiot?”
“That’s what makes him the Goat” Chieng responded. “Do you know how good a war criminal you have to be to win a peace prize for wars you escalated? The dudes got the numbers and the hardware, count the rings, bitch.”
