Jimmy Kimmel
Jimmy Kimmel opened Tuesday’s show with the national shortage on baby formula, which has left parents desperate and led authorities to warn people not to try to make their own recipe. “I don’t know – I’m sure the ivermectin and bleach people could figure this out for us,” Kimmel deadpanned. “Just mix you up some Gatorade and some baby powder, throw in some breakfast sausage and it blend it up real good, the baby should be fine.
“That is a tough spot to be in, not having baby formula,” he continued. “Because what are you going to do? You can’t go to Wendy’s and get them a Frosty. You have to have the formula.
“I’ll tell ya, there’s never been a better time for the supreme court to force women to have more kids than right now,” he joked.
In other “baby” news, Elon Musk said he would reverse Twitter’s ban on Donald Trump if his deal to buy the social media company goes through. Speaking via video link at a car conference organized by the Financial Times, Musk called the ban “a morally bad decision to be clear – and foolish in the extreme”.
“Oh good, we have the part-time DJ who makes flamethrowers and cars that fart in charge of morality now,” said Kimmel. “The guy who named his kids after Roman numerals will make sure we don’t do anything foolish.
“But if Trump does go back on Twitter, he’s going to need a phone, which he claims he doesn’t have,” Kimmel added. New York’s attorney general has ordered Trump to turn over four cellphones as part of an investigation into his business, but he’s claimed the phones are missing. He’s currently held in contempt of court at the tune of $10,000 a day.
In addition, “Trump says he hasn’t used email, text messages or a computer for work in more than a decade, and I actually believe that,” Kimmel said. “Because I can’t imagine him sitting at a laptop doing work. Here’s how I bet Trump works: he probably has some former strip bouncer who works for him, named Vinny St Cleveland or Bobby Cabbage or something, who stands outside his bathroom with brief case of Diet Cokes while Trump shouts things like, ‘Put an offer in to buy the Indian Ocean!’ through the door.
“And then Vinny or Bobby will use a burner phone to call some Republican with an ulcer who has to explain that the Indian Ocean isn’t for sale,” he continued. “And by the time he gets done, Trump’s already asleep on the toilet. When he wakes up, it’s time to climb into the golf cart and eat a pie, right? That’s how it goes.”
Seth Meyers
On Late Night, Seth Meyers touched on reports that Joe Biden warned his national security officials that recent press leaks about intelligence sharing with Ukraine could further inflame tensions with Russia. “So remember, the Ukrainian people have our full support, but if anyone asks, no they don’t,” Meyers joked.
Meanwhile, congressional Republicans are reportedly split over what to do if the supreme court officially overturns Roe v Wade, as last week’s leaked draft opinion indicates. “Apparently they can’t decide between a ticker tape parade or a dance party,” Meyers joked.
The Senate has passed a bill to expand security for supreme court justices, “and just in time – did you see how close that lunatic got to Clarence Thomas?” Meyers said over a photo of Thomas with his wife Ginni, who tried to help Trump officials overturn the 2020 election and has peddled ludicrous conspiracy theories.
And officials in Nevada said they’ve found numerous human remains in Lake Mead as water levels drop during an ongoing drought. “On the upside, the mafia is now very invested in stopping climate change,” Meyers quipped.
