The Portzebie Papers
The arrival of Tamil Nadu cricketer Shahrukh Khan, whose ₹9 crore IPL deal catapulted him into mainstream attention, marks another proud moment in the rise of India as a nation of unique global status and importance.
This makes us the only nation in the world to have three major film stars with the surname Khan who can proudly boast of having another famous person with the exact same name. A world record.
Until the advent of Shahrukh Khan (the cricketer, not the actor), Shah Rukh Khan (the actor, not the cricketer) must undoubtedly have been at least mildly jealous of Salman Khan (the actor, not the…er…you get the drift) for having another Salman Khan (the Khan academy guy) and of Aamir Khan (the actor) for possessing an equivalent Amir Khan (the boxing champ). It cannot possibly be easy being the only superstar named Khan without a 1:1 mapping to another celebrity from a completely different walk of life. It must have been keeping him up at night. He might have been scouring social media to find at least one other Shahrukh Khan with some potential for global fame. Thankfully, his heart will now be at peace.
Surely, this landmark that India has achieved will trigger the envy of other so-called world powers like the United States and China, who have always been resentful of our glorious ancient past and our recent rise as a modern economic and cultural force. It is possible that, even as you read this, foreign powers are conspiring to unearth some pastry chef named Tom Cruise or cryptocurrency baron named Jackie Chan, just to discredit and defame India.
There are already negative-minded people who are pointing out discrepancies in the corresponding Khan names, just in order to take the sheen off India’s record. “You will notice that the cricketer goes by Shahrukh as a single name, unlike the actor who has carelessly inserted a space between the Shah and the Rukh. So it doesn’t really count” they might argue. “There’s an extra A in Aamir Khan’s name, which the boxing dude is clearly lacking” they may complain. But, to quote Inigo Montoya (and you should always quote Inigo Montoya when you get the chance), I reply with “Don’t bother me with trifles”. Only a cynic or an anti-national would allow such bothersome technicalities to detract from the collective joy that always springs forth from national triumph.
But the statistics don’t lie, as clearly demonstrated by official numbers on unemployment, GDP and COVID-19 cases in Uttar Pradesh, and they present irrefutable evidence that no other country even comes close to us. Some desperate people will point to the UK radio host named Chris Evans, or to the fact that Katy Perry and Michael Keaton were originally named Katy Hudson and Michael Douglas respectively, or to how Michael B. Jordan can be Michael Jordan — but they’re missing the point entirely. Anyone with a keen understanding of maths, such as Salman Khan (the Khan academy guy, not the actor), Nirmala Sitharaman, or Byju Raveendran can point out the critical feature in India’s Khan collection — all six celebrities in the set share the same surname. Like Don Bradman’s batting average, or the number of hero roles played by Prem Nazir, it’s a record that’s probably never going to be broken.
If T. Rajender were to sum up the whole thing, he might say, “All the other countries are incomplete, but India is the only country that is khancomplete.”
Anand Ramachandran is a Chennai-based writer and game designer who likes playing games with his writing.
