After the reindeer suspended their strikes over nosebags and delivered more parcels than Royal Mail, Santa Kevin is handing out Christmas gifts to deserving and undeserving politicians alike.
His prezzies come at the end of a crazy year in which the Tories played pass the parcel with three prime ministers.
The shower crashed the economy so spectacularly that this Christmas the partridge had to flog the pear tree to pay an electricity bill. But the festive fowl-up has one upside – it looks to have cooked the Tories’ goose...
Santa’s Sack
Partying liar Boris Johnson was finally ousted by revolting Tory MPs after henchmen Chris Pincher was accused of drunken groping in a posh club. Johnson’s Brexit fibs are also catching up with him. An empty holey stocking is a fitting gift for the charlatan.
Turkey of the Year
The 45 days Liz Truss spent as PM – the shortest-ever stint at No10 – proved an expensive disaster. Truss collapsed the economy, with the minimum cost of her madness put at £30billion. To her, I give a belated turkey. One that’s sadly inedible due to bird flu.
Politician of 2022
Keir Starmer finishes the year miles ahead in the polls and rattling No10’s gates. Labour’s knight gets a pair of Dr Martens to keep his feet on the ground. There’s still a long way to go, as the Cons will postpone the election until autumn 2024.
Shameless Wally
Politics is showbiz for ugly people and showbiz is now politics for twisted egos. To see fame-chasing Matt Hancock enjoying jungle japes after 200,000-plus died with Covid was repulsive but compulsive TV. You are what we eat, so for him it’s a camel penis chocolate novelty.
Working Class Hero
Signed photos of Beast of Bolsover Dennis Skinner go to Mick Lynch and Pat Cullen, leaders of the rail workers and nurses. Lippy Lynch and canny Cullen emphasised the class in working class. Trade unionists organising a Winter of Discontent to protect living standards are far smarter than Tory Grinches.
Oxygen Waster
Clueless Home Secretary Suella Braverman was sacked for six days but the dismissal should have stayed sacked. Rwanda is a nasty, costly scam that won’t work, while branding desperate people crossing the Channel in small boats as invaders was vile. It was a smear to distract from her security breaches and lack of ideas. Suella de Vil needs a heart to fill up the hole in her body.
Old Macdonald’s Farm
toy set
Caught watching porn on his phone in Parliament, Tory MP Neil Parish claimed he was looking for a Dominator tractor. It was the muckiest excuse I have heard in
34 years of Westminster bad behaviour. With more time on his hands after standing down and the Lib Dems nicking his Devon backyard, I award a toy farm to play with. It was either that or a dirty mag, and this is a family newspaper.
Peace on Earth
The line that he needed ammo not a ride – attributed to Ukraine’s president Volodymyr Zelensky shortly after Russia’s February invasion – was inspiring. It captured the dogged resistance of a nation rallied in its darkest hour by the former comedian with a serious job. To that end, I’m delighted the US is granting Zelensky’s wish for a Patriot missile defence system, so I don’t have to try to steal one for him and load it on a sleigh.
Planet Outcast
With the blood of many tens of thousands of Russians as well as neighbours on his hands, blundering tsar Vladimir Putin’s self-styled special military operation is the worst international strategic mistake since Britain left the EU. To Putin, a P45 or coup to boot him out of the Kremlin. He should be followed by his rapists, torturers and murderers who are now exiting Ukraine.
Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star
A playlist of the best disco songs from Boogie Wonderland to I Feel Love for Angela Rayner, Labour’s DJing deputy leader. Outspoken and authentic, she’s an engaging John Prescott without the Jag.
Scorn
The nation’s wealthiest PM in history, Rishi Sunak, already has everything money can buy. When Sunak complains about tough decisions while slashing the living standards of millions without two pennies to rub together, there is only one gift he deserves – the world’s smallest violin.
Public service
Civil servant Sue Gray’s report last May into No10 Covid rule-breaking parties during Boris Johnson’s mayhem was masterful and a pivotal moment. She has a probity and backbone that he has always lacked. Ms Gray would reject any gift as corruption, so a nation’s grateful thanks will suffice.
Changing places
For Lisa Nandy, Rachel Reeves, Wes Streeting, Lou Haigh, Jo Stevens and all the other Labour frontbenchers who outshine Tory opponents the future is (hopefully) bright. Labour’s Shadow Cabinet is stronger than the incompetent, incoherent, talent-drained Tories they face. Ministerial jobs for all
the Labour lot.
Restitution order
PPE scandal Tory peer Michelle Mone, aka lingerie mogul Baroness Bra, is the poster girl for Covid chancers who got rich quick during the pandemic. She denies any wrongdoing but Santa wants £120million back this year from Mone and a hubby living on the Isle of Man tax haven. It will be a gift to ripped-off Britain.
End of the road
He might be blocked unfairly from running for Labour, yet Jeremy Corbyn, now aged 73, should finally call it a day instead of standing against a party he led to a disastrous defeat in 2019. For comrade Jezza, a new pair of secateurs to enjoy retirement on his allotment.
Self-reflection
Forever pretending that independence would be a magic solution, Scotland’s SNP First Minister Nicola Sturgeon receives a vanity mirror. When she looks into it, Sturgeon will see who is responsible for problems over health, education and ferries in that part of the UK.
Last Laugh
One of those teeth-chattering, shrieking red-lipped gizmos for Joe Biden to pull from his pocket whenever he meets Donald Trump. This current US President is having the last laugh over his rival.
