Kelly Clarkson has revealed how her “ego” kept her in her marriage to ex-husband Brandon Blackstcok.
The 41-year-old singer spoke candidly about her ex, whom she filed for divorce from in 2020, on Tuesday’s episode of the We Can Do Hard Things with Glennon Doyle podcast. Prior to their breakup, the former couple welcomed their now-nine-year-old daughter, River, and now-seven-year-old son, Remington.
During her conversation with Glennon Doyle, Clarkson explained why she ultimately convinced herself to stay in her relationship for as long as she did.
“I was like, ‘I can do this. I can handle so much,’” she said. “My ego is, ‘I can control my actions, I can control my reactions, I can do this and I can reach this person and I can get through.’ It becomes a little bit of your ego that gets in the way.
“If I’m being completely honest, we don’t want to do what we saw done,” she added, referring to her divorce. “I don’t want my kids to be those kids at school.”
The “Breakaway” singer noted that while her children are being raised in a “progressive city”, she grew up in the South, where there were only two people in her class with “divorced parents”. She then described how her relationship with her ex can impact milestones in her children’s lives.
“Even when you come down to like, daddy-daughter dances and you don’t have anyone show up,” Clarkson, whose parents got divorced when she was six, said. “You have to think about all of those things and you play it out differently in your head too.”
She also noted that while she wants her husband to spend time with his kids, she has to think about herself in the process.
“You try so hard and you think, ‘I do not want to do that to her, I don’t want to do that to him’, that you never start thinking about yourself,” she said. “Sometimes to be selfish, for me, was very important. Because I’m rarely selfish. It’s been beaten into me since childhood to have a servant’s heart. It’s very hard for me to take that and go: ‘I need this.’”
Elsewhere in the podcast episode, the “Stronger” singer spoke about her new song, “Lighthouse,” and how it was inspired by how she “chose to dim” her “light” throughout her marriage.
“If I’m not around people like friends, families and lovers that are OK with the amount of light that I have then we’re just not meant to be together and that’s OK,” she said. “If I’m not around people like friends, families and lovers that are OK with the amount of light that I have then we’re just not meant to be together and that’s OK.”
Clarkson later confessed that she felt “limited” throughout her relationship, before explaining both she and her ex couldn’t make the marriage work.
“I don’t feel like that’s the truth for all marriages, I just think that was my case.” she said. “Not to say that’s just his fault, that’s my fault for allowing that to happen. That’s my work as well. It could also be limiting because as in love as I was, I just wasn’t ready. Maybe the other person wasn’t either and you try to make it work but it doesn’t.”
Clarkson first married Blackstock in 2013, seven years after they first met. The singer filed for divorce in 2020, citing irreconcilable differences.
Their divorce was reportedly finalised earlier this year, with Clarkson agreeing to pay a one-time payment of $1.3m to her ex-husband, along with monthly child support payments of $45,601. She reportedly agreed to pay Blackstock $115,000 a month in spousal support, a stipulation that will end in January 2024.
Over the years, Clarkson has spoken candidly about how her divorce has impacted her children. During an appearance on Angie Martinez’s IRL Podcast in March, she said that when she’s tucked her kids in at night, they’ve shared their honest feelings about their parents’ split.
“I literally ask my kids every night when we’re snuggling, ‘Are you happy?’ And if you’re not, what could make you happier?’” The Kelly Clarkson Show host said. “A lot of times it would be like, ‘You know, I’m just really sad. I wish Mommy and Daddy were in the same house.’ And they’re really honest about it. And I’m raising that kind of individual.”
