You’ve performed naked on stage with Max Bygraves, bared all in Danny Boyle’s Shallow Grave and posed nude for the BBC’s Celebrity Painting Challenge. Do you enjoy getting your kit off? VerulamiumParkRanger
I should point out that in two of those instances, I was paid to do so. The Max Bygraves one, I chose to do, merely to disrupt his show. I did a whole one-man show naked at the Albany Empire called Whatever Happened to the AA Man’s Salute, so I’m not afraid to be naked. I don’t think Saltburn is up my alley, but if a part came along and I had to dance naked to a song at the end … considering the world that we live in now with Photoshopping and “enhancement”, I’d be absolutely fine with it, as long as I could have it written into my contract that there would be a small extension.
I don’t think there is a better TV villain than you, Keith. Isn’t it time you were offered your own series, assuming you’d be interested? Soufflet
Yes. But do I have to be a villain? I think I could be the Whistling Beardy Detective, living on a barge, a six-episode series. Or a copper in a deckchair. At 70, most parts I’d like to get would be sitting down or, even better, just the whole series lying in a bed, like The Singing Detective.
You had a theory that Keith is the coolest name in the world – Keith Richards, Keith Floyd, Keith Haring, Kool Keith, Keith Flint – and it’s only Keith Chegwin who has undone the credibility. Can you expand? ClarenceBeeks
I don’t remember having that theory, but at my age, there’s lots I don’t remember. I do notice that in lots of comedy shows, if there’s a character that needs to be made fun of, they often have the name Keith. I don’t know what it is about Keith – and also Kevin – that makes people assume they’re not very smart.
In Case Histories, you played Richard Moat, a comedian at the Edinburgh festival who discounts his many critics, saying he never reads reviews. How about you? WomanofWolfville
Funnily enough, I’d forgotten I’d done that. I couldn’t even remember what it was, so I had to Google it this morning. We live in a different age because of social media, where everyone wants to be a critic, even though they’re not very good at it. I don’t go out of my way to read reviews. I do remember one by AA Gill. He just didn’t like me. I could have won an Oscar and he’d still have found fault. He used to call me Mr Potato Head, so I did get my own back in my autobiography. The very last line is: “AA Gill is a cunt.” I met him at a Chelsea game, and also funnily enough at the Hay literary festival, when we were on the same bill. He was asked: “Why did Keith Allen call you a cunt?” and he said: “I really don’t know!”
I’m told you were the architect of one of the most politically subversive moments on British television: convincing a small boy to shout “Karl Marx is God!” during a Saturday morning kids show in the early 80s. StardustLil
I used to open for Dexys Midnight Runners, and they were asked to be on this Saturday morning kids TV show, I think called Fun Factory. There was a guy called Uncle Billy who would conduct a science lesson every week, and all the kids would sit around and ask questions. The lesson was about water displacement with air, like how a submarine rises and goes down. I could see these kids waiting to go on, so I picked one and said: “I’m going to be hiding over there. When I give my thumbs up, I want you to run up to Uncle Billy and say: “Karl Marx is God.” Right at the moment that Uncle Billy had his back to the kids and was pointing at his board, I gave a thumbs up, the kid ran out, tapped him on the back and said: “Karl Marx is God!” He went: “He might well be, but I don’t know, so you better go sit back down.” I spent the rest of the show running around the studio hiding while the producers were looking for the man who had corrupted this kid.
What were your final thoughts about Keith Floyd after filming your documentary? Was your admiration usurped by pity? Bicuser
No, not at all. I mean, he was very, very manipulative. As his longtime producer said, at some point during the process, he realised that he was being directed, not Keith, which meant Keith would take control and steer the ship in whichever direction he wanted to. But it didn’t lessen my opinion of him as a presenter or a chef.
Any update on the Diana documentary? TopTramp
None whatsoever. Moving on.
Your son Alfie’s character in Game of Thrones, Theon Greyjoy, was a foolish young upstart who became a better person after losing his manhood. Would this path to redemption have worked for you? McScootikins
What I find interesting about this question is the tense … Would it have worked for you? The implication being that my life has been a failure, whereas if I’d lost my manhood, I would have actually become a better person. I don’t really know, to be honest with you. I have an aversion to shows like Game of Thrones. Anything with dragons and people flying about, I have no interest in whatsoever. So I’ve never watched it. But my partner watched it religiously. She’d yell: “Alfie’s on,” so I’d just run in to watch Alfie, and I should say, he’s absolutely brilliant.
How impressed have you been with Lily’s acting? Is she a better actor than you? Prestonian79
It’s subjective, so I leave that up to your readers. Have I ever given her any acting advice? You must be joking. I don’t think it would be of any value. I could understand it if we were in a film together and discussing work. But when you go to see one performance, you just stand around being proud. What would be my advice for any up-and-coming actors? Get a job. I think something like 86% of actors aren’t working for an inordinate amount of time. So you need something to stop you feeling depressed. Take up a bit of carpentry, being an electrician, a plumber, anything. Nowadays, you’d be an Uber driver. I was a coal miner. I used to run a mobile bar. In the early 80s, my [then] wife Alison [Owen, now a film producer] would find out where the parties were after the pubs shut, stock up on booze, then go sell it. I’ve been a butcher, a silkscreen printer … I’ve done everything.
Which is the best England football song of all time: World in Motion by New Order (which you co-wrote), Vindaloo by Fat Les (which you co-wrote and performed), Three Lions, or something else? VerulamiumParkRanger
They all have completely different lives. You’ll never hear World in Motion sung on a football terrace or in the pub, but you will hear it on the radio. It captured the zeitgeist of 1990. Three Lions – which I’ve never liked, but I do appreciate its qualities – was embraced by English fans. They still sing it. Vindaloo is never sung on the terraces, but it is sung vociferously in pubs, and on the way to matches, because weirdly, it’s a family-oriented song, so little kids like marching to it, parents love it because they watch their kids marching to it, grandparents love it because it’s easy to sing, so it embraces all aspects of society. Jimmy Greaves once said it was responsible for the riots in Marseille, which was ludicrous because I was actually in Marseille leading about 400 English fans doing a rendition of it, being conducted by the French police, and no one was fighting at all. So Vindaloo is my favourite because it’s so passionately embraced.
• La Cha Cha, written and directed by Allen’s brother Kevin and starring Keith and his son Alfie, is out now on digital platforms
