There it goes, another gherkin lost, one I would have so happily enjoyed in this calamity of a burger. The pickle, you see, would have brought a necessary slap of vinegar to the fat of the beef and the cream of the cheese. But here we are toiling with an impenetrable dish, one toppling Pisa-like in a tsunami of synthetic sauce.
We’re dining in a faux diner, a craft IPA on the right, pots of “kimchi mayo” scattered about the place, tackling something too tall in form, near insurmountable in girth. Mouths really must be able to open normally when enjoying lunch. Clearly the management here haven’t got the memo: don’t they know smash burgers are in? That is to say, thin, holdable and simple by design; burgers as they are meant to be.
There’s a reason everyone is queuing for smash burgers in 2024. At the likes of Supernova, Junk and 7th Street, good beef is smashed down into a tender patty and fried hot and quick on a griddle so the meat becomes caramelised with flavour and the edges intense, even crisp. This under American cheese and in a bun that isn’t brioche has become the agreeable norm.
I am of the solid belief that a burger is best when simple: shredded lettuce, pickles, and finely diced onions (raw) aren’t bettered when reaching for weapons to cut through the grease. As for sauce, ketchup and mustard, for umami and a little heat, are unsurpassed. Yes, this is the combination used by McDonald’s. Tell me about a more successful burger brand. Magic happens when you start using better ingredients: look at Denmark’s Gasoline Grill.
By contrast, mammoth creations, those dizzy with onions rings and bacon, pulled pork and blue cheese, have become tiresome. They are monstrous and born out of eating challenge culture. A backdrop to the politics of Trump and Truss.
It is not only their monolithic nature, but the careless additions bandied about in modern times. Even bacon, for me, is a step too far for the most part, the pork an unnecessary distraction from the main event. Really, a burger needs nothing more than a series of basic components. This is not to trumpet against progress, it’s just some dishes are best left alone. Like carbonara or Caesar salad.
I think probably when you need to use a cocktail stick to keep the burger together, it’s alarm bells. A burger is supposed to be the bastion of a takeaway lunch, an affordable, easy hot sandwich to eat on the hoof. There should be no inclination to festoon.
Some might suggest a little experimentation here and there doesn’t hurt. A dose of chilli in the beef? Sure. A house-made sauce that brings an invigorating edge? Not going to ruin proceedings. But I draw the line when cheeses like Stilton are thrust into the mix, or when fried eggs and sweet chutneys suddenly arrive.
The best burgers are those that do not try too hard. They don’t need beefing up.
