Jimmy Kimmel
Late-night hosts continued to follow Trump’s many legal woes on Tuesday, as shows taped before election results were posted. In Los Angeles, Jimmy Kimmel noted that the US government is, again, on the brink of a potential shutdown. “Didn’t we just go through this last month? When did this whole country turn into a deadbeat dad?” he wondered.
“Speaking of deadbeat dads – Donald Trump was not in court today,” he continued, though his daughter Ivanka is set to testify on Wednesday. “The ketchup on the walls is closing in,” Kimmel noted, even as Trump attempted to delay his numerous trials. “He’s a real delay-hole, this guy,” he joked.
Trump has attempted to delay the federal trial over his incitement of the January 6 insurrection, to no avail. In response, Jack Smith, the government’s special counsel, released a statement claiming Trump “stands alone in American history for his alleged crimes. No other president has engaged in conspiracy and obstruction to overturn valid election results and illegitimately retain power.”
“Which is true, and I will also add: no other president tried to overturn the results of a hurricane with a Sharpie before,” Kimmel quipped.
In other Republican news, the “third and sadly not final” Republican debate is scheduled for Wednesday evening in Miami, Florida. “Five non-viable candidates will assemble on stage for no good reason at all. None of them will be president,” Kimmel explained of the lineup, which includes Chris Christie, Nikki Haley, Tim Scott, Vivek Ramaswamy and Ron DeSantis. “What a lineup – it’s like if all the Avengers were Hawkeye,” Kimmel joked.
And Kimmel couldn’t resist a chance to take a jab at one of his favorite punching bags, Ted Cruz, after the Texas senator took a shot at late-night hosts in his new book, Unwoke. According to Cruz, “late-night TV is virtually unwatchable. I love comedy, but watching angry leftists scream about how much they hate Donald Trump isn’t remotely funny. It’s pitiful.”
“Well, all I’ll say is it’s an honor to be called pitiful by a man who abandoned his dog in an ice storm to go to Mexico,” Kimmel responded.
Seth Meyers
On Late Night, Seth Meyers recapped Trump’s testimony at his civil fraud trial in New York on Monday, during which the former president pulled out a piece of paper from his jacket pocket and claimed it would clear his name. “But the judge would not let him read it because, as usual, it was classified,” Meyers joked.
“Dude, you couldn’t have cleared your name if you pulled out a Neuralyzer from Men in Black,” he added. “What piece of paper could possibly clear your name? Was it a birth certificate with a different name?”
Trump’s daughter Ivanka is set to testify on Wednesday, “making it the first thing she’s been invited to in New York in eight years”, Meyers quipped.
In other news, Elon Musk’s brain implant company Neuralink has put out a call for volunteer human test subjects. “Well, actually what they said was ‘fresh’ volunteers,” Meyers deadpanned.
“I don’t think he should be meddling with something he doesn’t understand, like humans,” he added. “Now it’s not called the brain any more. It’s called B.”
And according to the latest numbers, Taylor Swift’s new re-rerecorded album, 1989 (Taylor’s Version), has sold 1.6m units in the US, “and it’s made her almost 8 cents on Spotify”, Meyers joked.
