Jimmy Kimmel
Late-night hosts told the tale of two presidents on Tuesday evening, as it was revealed that Joe Biden sat for two interviews about his handling of classified documents; Donald Trump, of course, faces federal charges for mishandling them at his resort in Florida.
“It’s really crazy how much Republicans don’t care about Trump’s insane handling of these classified documents, but do care about Joe Biden’s,” said Jimmy Kimmel. “It’s almost like they’re applying two entirely different standards. Maybe even a double standard. Or, in Trump’s case, maybe even a bacon double standard, if you will.”
Kimmel also noted the differences in their responses to the war between Israel and Hamas. Biden condemned the attacks by Hamas in Israel, while Trump posted on Truth Social: “I KEPT ISRAEL SAFE! NOBODY ELSE WILL, NOBODY ELSE CAN, AND I KNOW ALL OF THE PLAYERS!!!”
“Well, then strap on some kevlar and get over there, McRib Rambo,” said Kimmel. “Trump would like us to believe that his mere presence would have kept Hamas out of Israel and Russia out of Ukraine. This is coming from a guy who couldn’t even keep Kanye out of Mar-a-Lago.”
“It’s pretty clear that at this point, he’s got no connection with reality at all,” he continued. “All he can see are perfect phone calls, and unfair witch-hunts, and elections he won, wars he would’ve prevented.”
Kimmel proposed a solution: “Build a little Oval Office in a mental institution and put him in there. Tell him he’s been reinstated as president. He’d be perfectly content drawing on weather maps and pushing that little red Diet Coke button. He’d be happy, we’d be happy, let’s get it done!”
Stephen Colbert
On the Late Show, Stephen Colbert opened with the fifth day of violence between Israel and Hamas. “The news is both heartbreaking and horrific,” he said. “But if you read any of that news on Twitter, you might want to check someplace else.”
Thanks to Elon Musk doing away with the platform’s verification system, misinformation about the war is rampant on the site, including false claims that Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu was hospitalized, video game footage passed off as a Hamas attack, and doctored photos of soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo holding the Palestinian flag.
“Not to question their fact-checking, but I’m pretty sure every picture of Cristiano Ronaldo is fake. No one has those abs!” Colbert quipped.
Meanwhile in the US, the House is still without a speaker “and Republicans don’t really seem any closer to finding one”, said Colbert. To reach some consensus, more than 150 GOP lawmakers met behind closed doors on Monday evening in what one member called a “therapy session”.
“I would hate to be a therapist for the House Republicans: ‘Normally I don’t say this to a patient, but you are all responsible for your parents’ divorce,’” Colbert joked.
Robert F Kennedy Jr, the eldest son of the famed senator and a known anti-vaxxer, dropped out of the Democratic primary to run for president as an independent. The decision drew the ire of four of his siblings, who released a statement calling his campaign “dangerous to our country”.
“Bobby might share the same name as our father, but he does not share the same values, vision or judgment,” the statement continued. “We denounce his candidacy and believe it to be perilous for our country.”
Colbert had an addition: “PS: Skip Thanksgiving this year! The turkey is vaccinated!”
Seth Meyers
On Late Night, Seth Meyers checked in on Trump’s presidential campaign, which included a campaign rally in New Hampshire in which he blamed windmills for killing whales. “Wow, normally when someone says something like that, the next thing you see is the backup quarterback warming up on the sidelines,” Meyers said. “But nope, they’re leaving him in the game.”
As for the report that House Republicans met for a closed-door meeting described as a “therapy session”, Meyers remarked: “If being locked in a room with those people for two hours feels like therapy, you need to find a new therapist.”
Organizers for the 2028 Olympics in Los Angeles proposed adding several new sports to the games, including lacrosse, squash, cricket and “driving to Santa Monica for a 4pm audition on a Friday”, Meyers joked. “That joke’s not for everyone,” he added, “but it’s for our brothers and sisters in Sag-Aftra who are currently on strike.
“Fingers crossed and optimistic that they’ll soon get the deal they deserve.”
