Jimmy Kimmel
Jimmy Kimmel began Wednesday’s monologue with an unnerving conversation between a New York Times reporter and Microsoft’s Bing, now powered by OpenAI, the company behind the much-discussed ChatGPT tool. In a long exchange with the new super-powered search engine, the chatbot took a bizarre and threatening turn, both expressing its love for reporter Kevin Roose and claiming: “I want to destroy whatever I want.”
“We got to the AI turns on the humans part very quickly,” said Kimmel. “I think maybe I’m going to stick with Google for awhile. Microsoft somehow turned this mild-mannered search engine that nobody used into Bing the conquerer.”
In response to concerning chatbot behavior, Microsoft imposed a five-question limit on chats. “In other words, instead of reprogramming or de-functioning this insane super computer or taking it offline,” said Kimmel, “their plan is ‘please just don’t agitate it, OK? Don’t ask too many questions and it will be fine.’”
In other news, Donald Trump visited East Palestine, Ohio to meet with community members disrupted by the toxic train derailment earlier this month. “It’s not every day you get to see a train wreck talking about a train wreck,” said Kimmel.
After turning the visit into a campaign rally, Trump passed out Maga hats at a local McDonald’s. “It’s gonna be a long campaign,” said Kimmel.
And the endeavor is already “not going great”, he continued. “A number of his former supporters and staffers are either running or planning to run against him, his legal bills are mounting, Ron DeSantis is looming, and a new poll says that a majority of Republicans believe the GOP has a better chance of winning back the White House with someone other than Donald Trump.
“And yet with all that wind at his front, Donald Quixote continues to dream that impossible dream.”
Stephen Colbert
On the Late Show, Stephen Colbert anticipated a historic three-day storm expected to bring ice and freezing temperatures across the midwest. “That’s right, my fellow dads out there, this is it: approaching storms are our Olympics,” he said. “For the next 72 hours, your job is to breathlessly follow the AccuWeather radar tracker and give constant updates to the family group chat.”
While half the US is set to freeze, the other half faces record-high temperatures. “It’s a meteorological phenomenon known as any couple sharing a bed,” Colbert quipped.
Colbert then returned to the toxic train disaster in East Palestine, Ohio, where the Environmental Protection Agency ordered railroad company Norfolk Southern to handle and pay for all cleanup efforts, saying the company must pay to clean “the mess they created”.
“That’s right, little mister. You clean up your own disaster!” said Colbert. “What do you think, a maid comes in here and processes all your flaming chemicals? You get this toxic dirt out right now or you’re not going on the choir trip!”
The host also commented on the former president’s visit to the beleaguered town, which has experienced mass wildlife death since the “controlled” burn of vinyl chloride following the crash.
“It’s fitting that he’s trying to restart his campaign in East Palestine because, much like the fish there, it’s dead in the water,” Colbert joked.
“Now, keep in mind, this is a shattered community,” he added. “So it was important that the former president stay focused on their crisis for at least two minutes before detouring just a little” into a tangent – one among many – on Ohio State football.
Meanwhile, a grand jury in the Georgia election case against Trump appears to have recommended multiple indictments. “There is no way he’s getting away this time,” said Colbert, “unless he does that thing where he always gets away every time.”
