Late-night hosts talk Joe Biden’s latest poll numbers, Donald Trump’s debate preparation and a new Louisiana law requiring the 10 commandments in public school classrooms.
Jimmy Kimmel
On Thursday evening, Jimmy Kimmel looked ahead to Joe Biden and Donald Trump’s presidential debate next week in Atlanta. Biden and his team have secluded at Camp David ahead of the matchup, “where he’s preparing for this bout like Rocky Balboa getting ready for Golf Clubber Lang,” said Kimmel. “And Trump is hard at work right now deciding whether to go with the scented Aquanet or unscented.”
Despite skipping every other debate in this election, Trump reportedly can’t wait to attack Biden. “It’s the most he’s ever hated someone he wasn’t married to,” Kimmel joked.
According to New York Times reporter Maggie Haberman, Trump’s plan for this debate is to interrupt Biden less. “And as we all know, he has an uncanny ability to stick to his game plan,” Kimmel deadpanned. “His discipline is unmatched.”
An outsider candidate, Robert F Kennedy Jr, will not be allowed to participate in the debate, owing to low poll numbers. “Once again, he didn’t get a shot,” Kimmel said of the noted anti-vaxxer.
In other news, the governor of Louisiana signed a law this week requiring the Ten Commandments be posted in every public school classroom in the state, “which is a brazen attack on the American idea of separation of church and state,” said Kimmel. “Maybe they should also post the constitution in the Louisiana governor’s office so he can give it a read every once in a while.”
Stephen Colbert
Thursday marked the longest day of the year and the official start of summer, “which of course raises the question: what the hell has the past week been, if not summer?!” Stephen Colbert wondered on the Late Show. “It’s so hot in New York, the tourists in Times Square are lining up to have their photo taken with Tickle Me Heatstroke.”
Colbert also brought up a new Fox News poll that found Biden ahead of Trump by two points. “You know I’ve always loved you, Fox News!” Colbert joked while wearing the channel’s merch. “Fair and balanced reporting from America’s most trusted anchors. I go ham for Hannity, and I’m juicy for the Doocy. Not to mention their gorgeous, supple, longtime chairman, the nubile newlywed Rupert ‘Zaddy’ Murdoch.”
Meanwhile, in Washington, “Republicans are always trying to find new ways to kiss Trump’s butt,” including introducing a bill that would require the US treasury to start printing $500 bills again, with Trump’s face to replace late president William McKinley. Another bill would award Trump the congressional gold medal for his administration’s foreign policy successes, because “no wars were started when he was in office”.
“That’s a pretty low bar,” said Colbert. “But never forget, Bill Clinton won the Nobel prize for not pushing an old lady in front of a bus.”
Seth Meyers
And on Late Night, Seth Meyers reacted with dismay to the Fox News poll that shows Biden leading Trump by a mere two points. “I’m sorry, how is it only two points?” he lamented. “I know it’s futile to ask, and I should just accept the feeling of being dead inside amid the whirlwind of lies and chaos and degradation of our institutions.”
Meyers listed off a number of reasons why no one should want Trump to be president again, before concluding: “This is a testament to how radically our politics have changed. It used to be that anyone with a fraction of Trump’s moral and legal transgressions would be shunned by their own party. Nixon resigned in part because Republicans told him to step down. But now Trump has an entire rightwing media apparatus and an army of lackeys in the GOP devoted to him.”
They even dress like him, as several congressional Republicans or presidential candidates did outside the courthouse during his hush money trial, in matching red ties. “They look like a community theater production of Jersey Boys,” said Meyers. “They look like servers at a Maga-themed restaurant getting the specials from the head waiter at the beginning of the shift.”
