Jimmy Kimmel
Jimmy Kimmel celebrated the success of Nasa’s mission to hit an asteroid with a spacecraft going 15,000mph, in a test of their ability to alter the path of space rocks on potential collision paths with Earth.
Some have called the mission, known as Dart (Double Asteroid Redirection Test), the world’s first planetary defense mission, “which is exciting news really for everyone other than the Space Force”, Kimmel joked. “They’re like ‘can’t you let us have anything?’”
The rocket weighed about 1,000 pounds, “which is kinda amazing”, Kimmel said. “Two large pigs weigh 1,000 pounds. Nasa’s plan to avoid the annihilation of humankind is basically a reverse Angry Birds.”
Kimmel also mocked the control room celebration after the successful asteroid strike, in which Nasa staff hugged and high-fived. “I feel like half the reason you take a job at Nasa is for this control room standing ovation moment. These people fired at and hit an asteroid more than 7m miles away – they celebrated with a round of the lamest high-fives you’ve ever seen in your life.”
Stephen Colbert
The Late Show had been anticipating the next January 6h hearing on Wednesday, but the House select committee postponed it as Hurricane Ian barreled towards Florida. “We hope everybody in Florida stays safe,” said Stephen Colbert. “Please, if you can, get out of the storm’s path.
“Worst-case scenario, tell Ron DeSantis you’re Venezuelan, maybe he gives you a free plane ride to Martha’s Vineyard,” he added.
In international news, Putin’s war in Ukraine has been going so badly that the Russian leader ordered a draft, prompting many Russians to flee. Those who haven’t been able to leave have called hotlines to ask how to surrender.
“I get why they want to pre-emptively surrender,” Colbert said, pointing to a video of a group of Russian soldiers instructed to bring tampons to the frontlines to stuff into bullet wounds. “Tampons to plug gunshot wounds? That is awful. Plus, so awkward to ask for.”
And Buckingham Palace released King Charles III’s official monogram design. “Take that, people who say the monarchy is an outdated institution that does nothing! They. Release. Monograms,” said Colbert facetiously.
The new design features the letters C, for Charles and R, for rex, intertwined “for years of in-breeding”, Colbert joked.
Trevor Noah
Putin's latest move? Forcing people in Ukraine to vote on being part of Russia...at gunpoint. pic.twitter.com/8KdSn1UikV
— The Daily Show (@TheDailyShow) September 28, 2022
And on the Daily Show, Trevor Noah recapped sham elections held in eastern Ukraine to justify Russia’s occupation of the territory. “Russian soldiers are going door to door forcing people to vote to join Russia. And so because of that, 97% of the vote has been pro-Putin,” he explained.
“But I mean, let’s be honest. These voters have a ‘choice’, in the same way we have a ‘choice’ to not accept cookies on that website,” he continued. “So what, if I click no, can I not see how child stars have aged? What kind of a choice is that?!”
Noah did wonder, however, “who the hell is the 3%? Who had the balls to still vote against Putin while his soldiers watched them mark their ballots.”
The staged referendums have made it seem, on paper, like about 97% of “voters” in the “election” support becoming a part of Russia. “Honestly, why did they even go through all of this? Like going door to door, making everyone sign shit just so you could do what you’re already doing anyway,” Noah said. “I mean, it’s one thing to conquer a town and then blow up all their buildings. But then to make them do paperwork? There is evil, and then there is evil.”
