Jimmy Kimmel
Jimmy Kimmel recapped a dire update from federal investigators on highly classified documents seized at Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago resort last month, which contained information about foreign nuclear defenses. Such material is considered top secret, as in “the only people who are allowed to see them are the president of the United States and a few highly cleared members of his council … and anyone who goes into Trump’s closet looking for a broom, I guess,” Kimmel explained.
“Trump really is the worst ex ever,” he continued. “Four years of putting up with this nonsense, we finally throw him out of the house, he takes 40 boxes of our stuff.”
Investigators reportedly found the nuclear documents hidden in Mar-a-Lago’s storage closet, “next to a bag of golf keys, a box of old pool noodles, and Melania, who was hiding in there”.
“And of course Trump and his minions are still trying to pretend this isn’t a big deal, but it is a big deal,” Kimmel added. “He took top secret documents from the White House, had them sitting in a room where workers regularly went in and out – they would’ve been more secure inside the claw machine at Dave & Buster’s. This is the presidential version of when a cop leaves his gun on the toilet at a Wendy’s.
“These nuclear secrets could’ve been stolen by foreign agents,” he said. “They could’ve been posted on the internet, Eric could’ve eaten them, we don’t know.”
Stephen Colbert
On the Late Show, Stephen Colbert also balked at the report that documents seized by the FBI at Mar-a-Lago included sensitive nuclear information pertaining to another country. “So this time, the ex-president wasn’t just betraying our country. He brought in another country for a menage-a-treason,” he joked.
“How do you explain this to our allies?” he wondered, imagining a Trump acolyte explaining: “Don’t worry, prime minister, your country’s nuclear secrets are perfectly safe, stored at the Mar-a-Lago waffle bar, between the syrup and the Nutella bucket.”
The type of intelligence documents held at Mar-a-Lago are “so top secret, the president has to declassify them so other people can see it. Even our national security officials are not allowed to see them without specific permission,” Colbert explained. “The fact that he had them is completely indefensible.”
In other Trump-adjacent news, former adviser Steve Bannon surrendered to authorities in New York following an investigation into his non-profit dedicated to privately constructing Trump’s promised border wall, called We Build The Wall. “Spoiler alert: no they don’t,” said Colbert.
The matter was in state court in New York because the former president pardoned Bannon before federal prosecutors could bring the case to trial; presidential pardons only apply to federal charges and do not prohibit state prosecutions. “Gotcha Steve!” Colbert celebrated. “Who believes in states’ rights now, byotch!”
Trevor Noah
We need to talk about Barack Obama's newly revealed White House portrait pic.twitter.com/596VGDNgAf
— The Daily Show (@TheDailyShow) September 8, 2022
And on the Daily Show, Trevor Noah riffed on the unveiling of the Obamas’ official White House portraits on Wednesday. While Michelle’s picture, painted by Sharon Sprung, looked more classically portrait, Barack’s picture by Robert McCurdy was photorealistic, depicting the former president against a stark white background.
“I am not an art expert – I do not know the difference between Michelangelo and the other ninja turtles – but what is going on with the Obama portrait?” Noah asked. “Like why is he standing in a white void. I don’t get it. It looks like he got his portrait taken at the DMV.
“These portraits are going to hang in the White House forever, you understand that? They should look White House.” Michelle, he said, “looks like a movie star … Obama’s looks like they ran out of printer toner for the background.”
Zooming out, “it’s actually kind of ridiculous that they even do portraits any more,” he joked. “Just take a picture.”
Moreover, “it must be really weird to live in a house with portraits of your enemies,” Noah mused. “Imagine if every one of us were like showing people around your house, like ‘this is my ex who cheated on me, and this is guy who beat me up in fifth grade, Brad.’ That’s what presidents have to do! Obama had to walk down hallways looking at George W Bush’s picture.”
