On the eve of Valentine’s Day, late-night hosts talked record-breaking Super Bowl viewership, changing CDC guidelines and Donald Trump’s attempts to fix the Republican National Committee.
Jimmy Kimmel
Americans are expected to spend more than $25bn on Valentine’s gifts this year, even though a new poll from Marist College found that 48% of Americans were more excited about the Super Bowl than Valentine’s Day. “Which is also the same percentage of marriages that end in divorce,” said Jimmy Kimmel on Tuesday night. “Basically, people are saying that they prefer chicken wings to sex.”
In political news, Donald Trump is throwing a “hail Mary” to try to postpone his January 6 trial until after the election. Last week, the DC court of appeals shot down his “I have immunity to do whatever I want defense”, as Kimmel called it. Now he’s asking the supreme court to overturn it.
“What he’s asking for is basically the crime version of the never-ending pasta pass at Olive Garden,” Kimmel explained. “His lawyers are arguing that in the future, presidents might hesitate to act if they’re worried about being criminally charged. And they’re right! What kind of world are we leaving for our children if future presidents have to second-guess themselves every time they incite a mob of angry, deluded metal-workers to barge into Congress and bear-spray the police?
“Tony Soprano is now also putting his greasy baby carrot fingers in the Republican National Committee,” he added, by endorsing his daughter-in-law Lara Trump to co-chair the RNC. “You know what? His son-in-law totally fixed the Middle East, why not let his daughter-in-law fix the Republican party?” Kimmel joked.
Trump released a flattering statement supporting Lara, who would, if given the position, control the dispensation of the party’s funds. “Poor Eric,” said Kimmel. “His wife got more compliments in that one post than his father gave him in his entire life so far.”
Stephen Colbert
On the Late Show, Stephen Colbert acknowledged that Tuesday’s nor’easter depressed turnout in an important special election on Long Island: the race to replace the former late-night target George Santos in Congress, between the little-known Republican Mazi Pilip and the Democrat Tom Suozzi.
“It’s a showdown we’re calling Mazi v Suozzi: Democracy Kamikaze on Long Ozzy,” Colbert joked.
Pilip had an “unusual” résumé – a local legislator and a registered Democrat. “A Republican who’s a Democrat? Thanksgiving must be really hard,” Colbert joked. “She gets in a fight with herself and sneaks away from herself to get high in the garage.”
Colbert taped his monologue before Suozzi’s victory was announced, when the race seemed tight. “The stakes are high,” he noted. “The GOP has this razor-thin majority in the House of Representatives, and they need all the votes they can get for their election-year ambitions” to impeach the homeland security secretary, Alejandro Mayorkas, or even Joe Biden.
“Long Islanders could decide the fate of Congress,” he said. “Which explains the first bill that Suozzi has promised to pass: HR 273 The Beatles Couldn’t Hold Billy Joel’s Freakin’ Jock Strap.”
In other news, the CDC plans to drop its five-day Covid isolation guidelines. “What? No isolation? You’ve been telling us for years that we need to be mindful of protecting our friends and neighbors,” Colbert said. “They also released this new CDC slogan – ‘jk. lolz.’”
From now on, according to the CDC, people can stop isolating if they are “fever-free for at least 24 hours without the aid of medication and their symptoms are mild and improving”.
“So remember when you’re riding in the elevator with Todd from accounting and he’s coughing all the way to the 10th floor – it’s fine, as long as he was worse yesterday,” Colbert joked.
Seth Meyers
According to preliminary Nielsen figures, Sunday night’s Super Bowl surpassed the moon landing as the most-watched US broadcast of all time, with over 123.4 million viewers. “And it can’t be a coincidence that the two biggest broadcasts of all time were faked by the CIA,” Seth Meyers joked, referring to conspiracy theories surrounding both events.
“Yet another successful boycott by Trump supporters,” he deadpanned.
The Late Night host also touched on how Biden is reportedly frustrated with the Israeli prime minister, Benjamin Netanyahu, referring to him in private meetings as “this guy”. “Oh, that can’t be good. ‘This guy’ is how you refer to your ex’s new husband,” said Meyers.
Speaking to reporters on Monday, Nikki Haley said that when Trump goes off his teleprompter, that’s him speaking from the heart. “Or, more likely, he just spotted a long word coming up,” Meyers joked.
And Trump said in a statement that his daughter-in-law Lara Trump should be the co-chair of the Republican National Committee, “and that her husband Eric should be ambassador to whatever’s farthest”, Meyers laughed.
