Jesse Lingard has bravely opened up on his battle with alcohol, depression and anxiety - as well as his Manchester United exit.
The England international, 30, left United after 22 years of service when his contract expired last summer to join Premier League rivals Nottingham Forest. He struggled during his last few seasons at Old Trafford - and has revealed the causes of his poor form.
Lingard has admitted he would have a "nightcap" before bed to "take away the pain". He has also discussed being impacted by online abuse from United supporters and his mother's struggles with depression. Kirsty was admitted to hospital for treatment in 2019.
"I was drinking before bed, having a nightcap," Lingard told The Diary Of A CEO podcast. "I look back now and think, 'what was I doing that for?'. But I needed something to try and take the pain away. I was trying to forget what was going on, but it makes it 10 times worse."
On online abuse, Lingard added: "You're getting that much abuse, and I'm already down enough, and I've got to perform. I was still trying to be Jesse, like banter... banter jokes and all that but, of course it's going to affect me. I'm already going through things you don't know about... I felt like the world was on my shoulders."
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Lingard also opened up on the abuse he received from fans after United's 3-0 FA Cup win at Derby in 2020. He said: "We won but as soon as I got on the bus, it was, 'Jesse, you're s***, why are you playing for us?'. Luke Shaw came down off the bus and backed me.
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"I don't know if it was United fans or Derby fans but I'm human, you know what I mean? Of course it's going to affect me. I'm already down enough anyway, going through things you don't know about, and I've got to perform on a weekly basis."
Lingard came through the ranks at United to make 232 senior appearances. He won the FA Cup, EFL Cup, Europa League, Community Shield and FA Youth Cup during his time at Old Trafford, but he failed to find his best form during his later United career.
Lingard played just 38 Premier League games during his last three years at United. He regained his form during a six-month loan spell at West Ham - scoring nine goals in 16 outings - but failed to maintain that level of performance when he returned to his parent club.
The playmaker has also struggled to impress at Forest since his transfer. He's not scored or provided an assist in 14 Premier League appearances this season and will need improve his record if he's to remain at the City Ground. His contract expires in June.
Lingard believes his mother's admission to hospital had a big impact on his career. He looked after his younger siblings - who were 15 and 11 at the time - while Kirsty was ill. The footballer claims games were "passing him by" because his mind was elsewhere.
Lingard has also praised former manager Ole Gunnar Solskjaer for his support. He added: "At training, I was masking the depression side of things and the anxiety. I was still trying to be Jesse, the banter and jokes, but it comes to the point where you actually need to say something because I felt the world was on my shoulders and had nobody to turn to.
"I thought I could deal with this, I could handle it, but it came to a point when I went to Ole and said, 'this is what’s going on'. We kept it close-knit but even just to have Ole say, 'how is your mum, how is she doing?', just to have those conversations helped, to let people know what I was going through."
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