Physical intimacy in a marriage matters. And while experts are wary to cite statistics on how frequently married couples have sex, research has found that an average couple in the U.S. does the deed once a week. The reality is that the frequency depends on a lot of factors. There’s age, the health of both partners, and day-to-day responsibilities. Not to mention that relationships naturally change over time.
However, some changes can really surprise you. The author of this story heard a pretty shocking revelation from his wife after four years of marriage. While he thought that everything in their married life was peachy, his wife was keeping a secret about her sexuality. The Redditor initially asked the Internet’s advice on what to do when she refused to get a divorce due to their incompatibility. But the story had a twist hardly anyone was expecting.
The man in this story wanted to get a divorce due to their physical incompatibility, but the wife kept refusing
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So he went on the Internet to ask for advice when she began making questionable decisions
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The OP talked to his wife the next evening and came back with an update
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When one partner suddenly becomes uninterested in sex, the couple needs to have a serious conversation
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Marriage and Family Therapist Isadora Alman writes that when a spouse stops initiating sex or stops showing interest in sex, it may be time to have a serious conversation. There might be many different reasons for this change. Sometimes, partners may be dealing with body issues. They might also be angry, in pain, grieving, or just not feeling up to it.
Or the case may be as it was for the OP – their partner might be unable to enjoy sexual intercourse. The OP’s wife supposedly told him that she only “tolerated” such intimacy before to not let him down. She says she only enjoyed it “a handful of times” and most often just wanted to please the OP.
Alman writes that the partners have to make a difficult decision in such cases. If one of them (or both) insists on keeping the relationship monogamous, there might be no choice but to separate. However, there might be other options if the asexual partner is willing to work on an arrangement.
Alman lists several possible ways the couple can solve this conflict. All of them operate under the same assumption that the other partner will be free to have sex under certain circumstances. Either by taking a lover, engaging in casual sex, or making a long-term arrangement with a sex worker.
Three real-life examples from Marriage And Family Therapist Isadora Alman
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In her blog on Psychology Today, Alman retold three stories about how her patients overcame one partner in a marriage sexually shutting down. One couple made an arrangement that the husband could go out on Saturday nights. The wife didn’t want to know what he was doing – whether he partied with his friends or engaged in casual sex was only his business.
In the other case, the wife was the one who had the freedom to take a lover. Interestingly, the husband told her from the get-go that he would want to meet the other man. The wife did find a lover that she cared for, introduced him to her husband, and he became a family friend, who was invited to many family occasions.
The last story isn’t as happy. One of the partners couldn’t come to terms with their spouse engaging in sexual activity with someone else. The spouse, in turn, could not live a sexless life. The couple, unfortunately, had to go their separate ways.
Asexual people do have romantic relationships and can experience arousal
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There’s a common misconception about asexual people that they never ever want to have sex and can’t experience orgasm. The truth is that an asexual person may choose to engage in sexual activity, just like OP’s wife did.
Asexuality is not just a loss of libido either. People may start to engage in less and less sexual activity due to medical and psychological reasons or just simply because of their age. Asexuality is also not a choice – that’s why it’s important not to conflate it with celibacy. Celibacy and abstinence are choices that people make despite feeling sexual attraction.
It’s also normal for asexual people to want to be in romantic relationships. And many do – they can fall in love, get married, and have children. Asexual people can desire emotionally intimate or romantic relationships.
The Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN) claims that it is more about communication and less about orientation. Therapists who work with couples where one partner is asexual have this approach rather than trying to “fix” one of them. “I might ask [a client] to draw a representation of the values [they] both place on [their] identities and sex,” one of the therapists told Refinery29.
The Redditor also answered some questions and went into more detail in the comments
Other Redditors shared their reactions and advice with the OP
