It was a brisk and businesslike Rishi Sunak who raced into the Downing Street media room at lunchtime. The desperation of someone keen to project an air of getting things done. Sooner or later. Usually later. At least, we had to assume it was the prime minister. Though it could have been a doppelganger. It’s a while since Sunak had appeared in person before a UK audience. Still, best to take these things on trust.
Good news, said Rish!. Of course it was. He wouldn’t have shown his face if he didn’t think he had a positive story to tell. Then it would have been just slipped out in a written ministerial statement. The government had agreed to accept the recommendations of the independent pay review boards and give public sector workers a rise of between 6 and 7%. Still in effect a pay cut, given inflation, on top of real-terms cuts over the past 13 years. But he didn’t think to mention that. No need to spoil the Mr Nice Guy narrative.
“We are accepting the recommendations in full,” Sunak said magnanimously. Er … let’s think this one through. The whole point of an independent pay review board is that it’s not independent. It’s totally rigged. Packed with government stooges who have been briefed to see if they can get away with offering workers the bare minimum. In which case, if even they think teachers and NHS staff are worth 6.5% then the chances are it’s at the bottom end of what they should be getting. Generous, it isn’t.
Hold that thought. Because most of us – those of us who are still vaguely sentient at least – could have sworn we remembered Sunak telling us only a few weeks ago that a 6.5% pay rise was inflationary and unaffordable. Or maybe that was a different Sunak who was saying that. The one who prefers to stay hidden indoors. Come to think of it, the existence of two Sunaks – Dr Sunak and Mr Hyde – is maybe the best explanation of the current car wreck of a government. Suddenly things make sense. If not in a good way.
Anyway, here we had one of the two Sunaks – let’s hope there doesn’t turn out to a third Sunak somewhere: that really would be confusing. Not so say terrifying – glibly announcing the very opposite of what he had said previously. And we were all meant to have a memory wipe. The past nine months had never happened.
Here was the new reality. The independent pay review boards had made their recommendations and he had accepted them. Just like that. He hadn’t said they were unaffordable and put the country through months of unnecessary industrial action only to change his mind at the last minute. Because one of the Sunaks would never have dreamed of doing that. One of them was a man who had told us we could trust him to tell the truth. A man of his word. Except he was now turning out to be a man of many words. Most of them contradictory. The new honesty, integrity and professionalism.
“It would be wrong to fund the pay rises by increasing taxes or borrowing,” continued Rish!. So instead he would be paying for them by increased departmental efficiencies and savings. Oh, goody. AKA the magic money tree, cuts to public services and redundancies. Most public sector services are already underfunded and understaffed. But hey, we’re British and we can take it. There is no greater glory than to be asked to die on an NHS waiting list.
But look! Sunak had been far too generous as it was in giving people not enough money to live on. Now he wanted to get tough. He had gone the extra mile by offering the bare minimum. And he was pleased the teaching unions had come onside. They weren’t that bothered if there were cuts or not. Now he was asking everyone else who was on strike to do likewise. He wasn’t going to negotiate again. This was his final offer. Except he had said his previous offer of 3.5% was his final offer. Or was that Mr Hyde’s final offer? Either way, the NHS unions didn’t seem particularly impressed.
Most of the questions from journalists homed in on how the government was going to pay for the wage rises. Easy, said one of the Sunaks. We were going to charge migrants more for visas and increase the immigration health surcharge. That would raise £1bn. More or less. Less, probably. Fine … so where was the other £2bn-£4bn going to come from? Oh that? Well, you know. Something would probably turn up. Stop talking the country down. This was meant to be a good news day. He didn’t say whether frontline services would be protected. Probably not then.
Still, we were a bit nearer to which Sunak was in the room by the end. Asked if he could put a figure to his inflation target, he suddenly became all coy. When he had said he would halve inflation, he hadn’t meant it to be taken literally. Rather, it was just meant as mood music. People would know the target had been hit when they could be talked into feeling better about themselves. I’ve got news for him. People won’t feel better when inflation hits 5.35%. They will just be getting more broke slightly less slowly. This was the Sunak who couldn’t tell the truth.
Earlier in the morning, one of the Sunaks had made a rare appearance in the Commons. The speaker even said how nice it was to see him after so long. Rish! didn’t look amused as he prepared to give his Nato statement. Not the most testing of hours as everyone is agreed on its importance and the need to offer ongoing support to Ukraine.
Though this didn’t stop this Sunak from getting quite snitty. He needs the country to show its gratitude to him for all the tremendous work he has been doing on its behalf. “Labour didn’t want me to go to Vilnius,” he snarked. Keir Starmer looked bemused. He had never said that. It had been his excuse for missing prime minister’s questions the week before that everyone had taken exception to. Hmm, Sunak snorted. At least Ukraine appreciates me. Whichever Sunak it was, it was the thin-skinned one.
Depraved New World by John Crace (Guardian Faber, £16.99) is available to pre-order. To support The Guardian and Observer, order your copy at guardianbookshop.com. Delivery charges may apply.
