First off, Rachel Reeves — fix the bleeding budget. We don’t do everything well here, but our family farms are something to be proud of. Shall we not set the hounds on them?
With that out the way, photographs have been streaming in from today’s massive farmers rally, where thousands have left their piglets home and gathered to protest Labour’s so-called “tractor tax”. And what a green-tweeded sight for sore urban eyes it was, as they congregated in the rain, sleet and snow (don’t feel too bad, they’re more than comfortable in adverse conditions) and chanted “no farmers, no food!”
With the Schöffel’d troops fully assembled — complete with Jeremy Clarkson as a kind of pea-coated Napoleon Bonaparte — it is time to scrub up on the wardrobe rules of the livestock/sugar beet purveyors. Hint: you won’t see a pair of Hunter boots in Westminster today.
The coats
You’ll notice most people with placards today had one hand tucked in a tweed pocket just under their chest, while two, deep, pockets pointed forwards. These are shooting jackets; uber warm, available from any good country-wear multi-brand retailers, such as Farlows. Barbour jackets are of course de rigueur — not, I’m hastened to add, the Alexa Chung or Ganni collaboration trenches. Liddesdale quilted styles will have barbed wire tears, and wax Beauforts have been handed down generations. Some wax jackets will have popper back flaps, which are to fasten freshly shot pheasants to your person. A few of the fashion-forward women have turned away from coats in waterlogged, cow-field mud hues in favour of brighter shades from the outfitter of the dressy Cheltenham Festival goers, and Princess of Wales-approved, Holland Cooper.
The boots
“Fashionable wellies” will not do (sorry, Hunter; country mice don’t want to channel Kate Moss at Glastonbury). Posh ones are fine, but they’ll have to hold up when in actual use. At the top end, Le Chameau is the It boot. From there, you can expect a mix of Aigle, Muck Boots, some Barbour and the odd Sports Direct Dunlop, followed by the inevitable Dubarry of Ireland leather boots, and similar-looking knockoffs. For a jaunt into the big smoke, expect thick soled jodhpur boots (covered in cow shit, from somewhere like Blundstone) or for anyone that didn’t check the forecast, a mix of boat shoes and scuffed, brown brogues.
The fleeces
You are no member of the farmyard-ati without a Schöffel (from £49.95, schoffelcountry.com); most members have a handful of shades, and receive a new one each Christmas. It should come as no surprise that the faux leather trimmed gilet machine is owned by the same company as Le Chameau, Bradshaw Taylor, which is based in Oakham (they also have footwear brand KEEN, and hiking gear label Sherpa Adventure Gear). Think of its owner, Corry Bradshaw Taylor, as Rutland’s answer to Bernard Arnault. Elsewhere on the gilet front line, where the Square Mile lads opt for waistcoats from Sirplus, you’d sooner see the real deal in more local providers. For the horse racing cognoscenti, that’s Suffolk’s Pin Piuma, famed for their reversible styles (£195, pinpiuma.co.uk).
The headgear
Vital, and proven so on a day like today. There were plenty of Peaky Blinders flap caps — these are also beloved by the under 10s — while dodgy, knit beanies with pilled pom-poms and any old corporate sponsor logo do the job fine, too. Jeremy Clarkson modelled his own Diddly Squat Farm swag, with a knit grey beanie and personalised leather logo (similar style, £26, diddlysquatfarmshop.com). As for the women, a chilly day is prime time to dig out a faux (or, indeed, real) fur headband or hat. Apologies, but allow me to point you in the direction of Priti Patel’s protest look, as a prime example.
The check shirt-V neck combo
A white shirt with coloured “windowpane” check is the core base layer of any proper, committed rural outfit. You can find these at Charles Tyrwhitt, William Powell, Cordings (£59.95, williampowell.com) — they aren’t too hard to get right. A silk tie with horse/pheasant/Labrador print is then optional (Nigel Farage opted for a navy tie with English Foxhounds today) before layering with the all important, block-coloured lambswool V-neck sweater. Again, no brand specifications on the latter, but Cordings will sell you a fetching mustard number for £110 (cordings.co.uk).
The dirty denim
Don’t forget a pair of trousers! Key here is that they look worn to the very inch of their lives, and preferably have some remnants of 5am mucking out as proof of proper hard work. Saggy denim is perfect (see Clarkson’s Farm star Kaleb Cooper’s march attire) but so too are a nice, really old pair of chinos in classic navy and olive hues.
