Name: Nooky.
Age: adult.
Appearance: discreet.
You offering? You consenting?
I might be. Lovely. That’ll be £1, please.
Pardon? Just £1, thank you. Can I get you anything else today? AA batteries? Water-based lubricant?
I don’t like where this interaction is heading. Relax. There’s nothing inherently shameful about the purchase of a sex toy.
I’m sorry, but yes there is. And anyway, where on earth can you buy a sex toy for £1? At Poundland.
Are you serious? Yes. Their new Nooky range picks up where the popular “Bullet” – a £1 vibrator the store introduced last year – left off.
But I go to Poundland for cheap reading glasses and huge packs of Star Mix to hide under my coat at the cinema. You can still have all that – and a cock ring as well.
I don’t even know what a cock ring is, but I’m pretty sure they’re supposed to cost more than £1. They also do a “vibrating love ring”, some “sexual vitality supplements” and a “finger fun stimulator”.
Eww … Why so prudish?
Don’t get me wrong – I’m a creature of powerful desires and erotic urges. I just don’t want anyone to know that down at Poundland. Not to worry. The packaging for the whole range is very discreet. If the boxes didn’t say Nooky on the front, you’d probably think they contained air-freshener refills.
But they do say Nooky on the front. In quite big letters, yeah.
Why are Poundland going down this road? According to Poundland’s trading controller, Chris Burns, the company wants to “help the nation get some nooky at home”.
I don’t want them to want that for me. But really it’s about money. Lots of people are reluctant to go to sex shops, but everybody goes to Poundland. Last year, they were selling 5,000 vibrators a week.
I suppose you can’t go far wrong for £1. Can I bring it back if I don’t get on with it? No.
Do say: “We’ll take one of your joy rings, some of those sex pills, three packs of condoms, a dozen balloons and an economy jar of mayonnaise, please.”
Don’t say: “Where are your changing rooms, by the way?”
