Getting Brexit done. Again. We’ve been here before. Theresa May thought she had a solution to Northern Ireland with the Chequers agreement. That lasted only a few days. Boris Johnson had the lie of the “oven-ready” protocol. That was enough to win him a general election – mainly because the Tories were so desperate they were prepared to sign up to any old fantasy – but fell apart soon afterwards when people bothered to look at the detail.
Now we have Rishi Sunak’s Windsor framework. To fix the Boris nonsense. The likeliest contender yet. Not least because everyone is so fed up with Brexit – no one wants reminding of what a disaster it has been – that even the hardest of hardliners can’t be bothered to oppose it.
Jacob Rees-Mogg and David Frost broke the habit of a lifetime by not publicly rubbishing the deal. The Democratic Unionist party said it would need time to read the detail. Boris Johnson could feel his support ebbing away from him. Only Nadine Dorries was prepared to openly voice her outright opposition. So sweet. She will do anything for her Bozza Bear.
Shortly after 2.30pm on Monday, the government announced that a deal had been done. Which was odd, as we all knew that a deal had actually been done a couple of weeks ago, only for everything to be put on hold as No 10 worked out the best way to choreograph events in a way that would stop the shit-baggers from trashing the deal immediately.
If it could survive unscathed till Tuesday morning, it would be a result. By then the headlines would be in, the deal alive and everyone wanting to move on. Anything but Brexit. If the DUP and the European Research Group of Tory Brexiters chose to trash it thereafter, then they would be on their own. Wreckers out to spoil everyone’s fun. Or if not fun, then absence of pain. As close to fun as Brexit gets.
An hour later, Sunak and the European Commission president, Ursula von der Leyen, appeared at a press conference in the Windsor Guildhall. Rish! tried to look surprised. It was a real coincidence that they were in a wood-panelled room, decked out with portraits of various kings and queens. Symbolism with which to batter the DUP.
Rish! got things under way, struggling to make himself visible behind the lectern. A box might have helped. His deal was hereafter to be known as the Windsor framework. The framework was to be a new way forward. Well, not that new, as much of what he had to say had been leaked weeks before. There would be a green lane for goods coming from the UK mainland to Northern Ireland. And a red lane for goods destined for the Republic.
“The same foods will be on sale on supermarket shelves in Northern Ireland as in the rest of the UK,” Rish! declared triumphantly. Er. That would be nothing, then. Most supermarket shelves in the UK happen to be empty at the moment. Our very own Brexit dividend. Much more of this and even the DUP might think about rejoining the single market. At least that way, no one in Northern Ireland would go hungry. Just a thought.
What was new was the Stormont brake. This would allow Northern Ireland to veto any EU laws it didn’t like. Except it would probably never happen. Here was the brilliance! First of all, the DUP would have to reconstitute the Stormont assembly for the Stormont brake to be viable. Then the DUP would have to find another five assembly members from other parties who were as mad as they were.
That might be tricky. And even if this were to happen, it would still need the prime minister to sign off the brake. Guess what! Rish! had promised Ursula he would never do it. Guess what, again! When he was gone in a year or so, Keir Starmer would never apply the brake, either. So it was all an illusion. Schrödinger’s Brexit, yet again. Fantasy heaped on fantasy. It was also about the only sensible piece of politicking the government had done in the last eight years.
Next up was Von der Leyen. She didn’t want to piss on Sunak’s parade by going on about EU law still applying in some areas – she was far too excited about meeting the king. That wound would open soon enough. So she restricted her remarks to a few pleasantries. She loved Windsor. It was so historic. And, by the way, the only reason she had been willing to make any deal with the UK was because she was no longer having to deal with that untrustworthy scumbag. Boris could do one, as far she was concerned. Rish! nodded involuntarily.
After just a few questions, Sunak and VDL parted company. Job done. The commission’s president could get on with her awayday break and Rish! could see how his deal landed during his statement to the house. He needn’t have worried. Tory MPs from all sides of the party cheered and waved their order papers as he entered the chamber. Consensus had broken out. It had all been the fault of the Convict that the Windsor framework had needed to be negotiated. They couldn’t believe they had allowed themselves to be duped by such an obvious fraudster. It was time for year zero. This was a new start. The past was another country.
Even the DUP weren’t going to trash the framework. Not yet, anyway. Rather, Jeffrey Donaldson said he would think things over. He recognised he had been backed into a corner. All the alternative options were spectacularly worse. Maybe it was time to finally say yes. As for Boris, he was nowhere to be seen. There was to be no comeback. His NI protocol bill was dead in the water. His days were over. Just another Brexit deadbeat.
