Lanarkshire couple Tom and Mary Rattray pity the birth parents who miss out on their little one’s first smile, their first tooth, their first steps, their first word.
They feel sorry that the people who brought them into the world don’t have the opportunity to wave their child off on their first day at school, or spoil them at Christmas and on their birthdays.
When Tom and Mary’s work is done and a child or young person leaves their care to return to their biological parents or move into their forever home with an adoptive family, often there are tears in the Rattray household.
But, with 30 years of fostering under their belts, the rewards they reap by playing even a small part in a child’s turbulent life are immeasurable.
It was back in 1992 when mum-of-three Mary was working in a creche in Gowkthrapple, Wishaw, that North Lanarkshire Council mounted a recruitment drive for respite carers in the area, and she decided to find out more.
Soon, the couple were welcoming babies, toddlers, children and young people, whose parents were sick or had lost their way, into their family for short and long-term respite.
For the couple’s own kids, Greg, Mari and Thomas, sharing their home with other people’s children soon became a natural part of growing up.
Among those to join the Rattray family was Craig – a four-year-old with a learning disability who was about to start school when he first walked through the door of Tom and Mary’s modest Craigneuk house. He’s 26 now, and still living with them.
Like Craig, 22-year-old John – who has complex needs and is non-verbal – came to the couple for respite care as a child, and is now a permanent resident and very much part of the family.
Baby Kieran, who was born into a dysfunctional family, was only days old when Social Work asked Tom and Mary to take him in.
Kieran, who has known Tom and Mary as nothing other than mum and dad, was three when he was adopted by them and formally became a Rattray.
Now 16, Kieran is on the cusp of achieving his silver Duke of Edinburgh Award, making his adoptive parents extremely proud.
“He never asks about his family,” said Mary, 56.
“I suppose it will come, with time. We are well prepared for it, and we have all the information he needs if he wants to trace them.”
To accommodate their extended family, Mary and Tom converted and extended their Laurel Drive home, which now has five bedrooms, including one in the converted loft space.
One of those rooms is shared by two brothers, affectionately known as “the wee ones,” who came to the Rattrays two years ago, when they were aged just five and six.
Arriving with their own traits and personalities, many of the 200 children who have been fostered by Mary and Tom have one thing in common: attachment trauma, which affects their ability to form healthy, interpersonal relationships.
Only recently did the couple’s daughter, Mari, share her own childhood memories of hearing little ones who’d come to live with them quietly crying in the night.
“They all have their difficulties when they come, they all have their own wee issues,” explained Mary, who has, with Tom, undertaken many training courses – including one that taught them how to physically handle babies and children who have been physically abused.
“Can you imagine being flung into a house and you have nothing and know no-one? You have been uprooted and put into a different area altogether and sometimes in a different school. It’s important to keep them in their own area and own school whenever possible. North Lanarkshire Council are trying, more and more, to do that now. They are getting better at it. And it’s one of my pet hates when there are other siblings out there and they cannot see them.”
It’s a source of great pride to Mary when biological parents, whose children have returned home, keep in touch and, on occasion, contact her to ask for parenting advice.
“We do our wee bit for these weans and, every time they go away, they take a wee bit of you with them. Every single time, it kills me,” she said.
“We have been really lucky, because a lot of them have kept in contact. When they go away and you don’t see them again, that can be hard. Even if it’s just a wee photo, it’s nice to see how they are getting on.
“We have had a few kids who have gone home, and it has worked out really well, and we’ve had kids who have gone on to adoption. It has to be the right place for them. If the circumstances aren’t right, there’s no point in it. Another of my pet hates is weans getting moved about from pillar to post.”
Tom and Mary endeavour to form a bond and gain the trust of the birth parents of the children in their care.
“We try not to be judgemental of them,” said Mary, whose priority is always to get a child settled and into a normal routine.
“It does not matter what they [the birth parents] have done or not done. I have always had an open mind. It is a clean slate when they come in through the door and you take it from day one. To some parents, you are the best person in the world. But sometimes they see you as someone who has taken their weans. It’s swings and roundabouts.”
The most rewarding part of being a foster carer, the couple say, is seeing a child who’s been in their care spreading their wings, and moving on to live a stable, happy life.
They cite the case of a boy who came to them at the age of 13 and lived with them until he was old enough to fly the nest. He remains in touch, sharing news of his happy family life with five children of his own and a successful business in the sports industry.
And it’s always a great pleasure to the couple when someone they’ve cared for comes back into their lives to ask for help in piecing together the jigsaw of their childhood.
“It’s just like bringing up your own weans again, except this time you’re a bit more educated about what you can tell about them, what you can do,” said 57-year-old Tom – a self-employed floor-fitter whose flexible working hours allow him to fulfil his role as a foster parent whenever he’s needed.
“Teenagers can be really rewarding when you see them coming out the other end. It’s hard enough being a teenager these days. I feel sorry for them. Because they are nearly adults, people think they do not need much care. But sometimes, teenagers need a bit more. They are on a journey they will never forget.”
The couple, who have been married for 38 years and have 13 grandchildren aged between 10 weeks and 22 years, love to reminisce about carefree weekends and holidays in their caravan in Sandylands, Saltcoats, where there are activities to suit all ages and abilities.
They also speak fondly of a Butlins holiday with 17 children, including two babies, when they had to hire three caravans. In the evenings, after a meal cooked for all on a single-burner stove, they’d help the kids to expend energy by playing rounders, football and cricket in the open air until 1am.
“When you think about it, you are getting to see a wean growing up – their wee antics, the joy they bring,” said Tom.
“Even just seeing a wean taking their first steps, saying their first words, going to a restaurant and feeding themselves, is a joy to us.
“I remember one wee boy getting a lettuce leaf for the first time and not knowing whether to chew it or sook it. Sometimes I feel sorry for the parents who’ve missed out on all that.”
The support, advice and training Tom and Mary receive, they say, is second to none. There is always someone on the end of a phone at North Lanarkshire Council, to whom foster carers can turn in times of stress to access mindfulness training and learn relaxation techniques.
Despite seemingly putting the children and young people they’ve cared for before themselves for 30 years, the couple don’t believe it takes a special person to become a foster carer.
“I would not class myself as special. But what’s special is the rewards you get. It’s a big part of our lives, our children’s lives and our family’s life,” explained Tom.
“You gain a few friends from it, and you lose a few friends. Some people can be judgemental, but we have developed a thick skin over the years. It is dead rewarding for anyone who wants to do it.”
Mary added: “If I had my life to live over again, I would do exactly the same. I wouldn’t change it for the world. I cannot imagine my life without them all.”
* The fostering teams in both North and South Lanarkshire say they are not alone in struggling to find foster carers amid what is a national crisis.
With more than 100 North Lanarkshire children currently placed with foster families, it’s a number that changes daily – and the need never goes away.
There are now fewer than 70 registered foster carers working as part of North Lanarkshire Council’s fostering team, which needs others to step up and help.
When a child cannot be cared for by their birth parents, or by kinship carers (extended family or close friends), they can be cared for by an approved foster family.
Foster care can be a temporary arrangement that can end when a child returns to their birth parents or is adopted. Other placements can be long-term or permanent, if this is in the best interests of the child.
Fostering families allow children to experience family life and loving relationships when they can’t remain with their birth family. This can help children to recover from difficult early experiences, enabling enduring and trusting relationships that can offer security at a critical time, helping them to grow up to be strong, healthy adults.
To help Lanarkshire’s local authorities find the right fostering family, they need a wide range of carers to choose from to suit children from various ages and backgrounds.
Local carers can help children not only to maintain relationships with their birth families, including siblings, but also to continue to attend their school.
In order to keep children local to Lanarkshire, it’s vital that Lanarkshire people come forward with support. In return, they’ll be offered an unrivalled package of ongoing training, emotional, practical and financial support.
You might live alone, be part of a couple, have an older family, have relevant experience, have no experience – it doesn’t matter.
If you have a spare room and have ever wondered about fostering or are wondering now, please call or go online.
Aside from the practical requirement for space, all fostering teams are looking for is the scope to love and nurture Lanarkshire’s children in need.
North Lanarkshire:
Call: 0800 073 1566
Visit: foster-adopt.scot
South Lanarkshire:
Call the family placement team on 0303 1231008
Don't miss the latest headlines from around Lanarkshire. Sign up to our newsletters here.
And did you know Lanarkshire Live is on Facebook? Head on over and give us a like and share!
