There’s no easy solution to being cheated on. Leave your partner and you’re accused of giving up too quickly. Choose to stay and you’re shamed for it – seen as weak, gaslit or naive. It’s for that reason that so many couples decide to mutually keep an act of infidelity a secret. Why talk about it publicly and inspire so many opinions? Unless you’re distinguished WAG and supersleuthColeen Rooney, that is.
In a recent interview with The Times, Coleen spoke openly about sticking with her husband, footballer Wayne, despite his numerous indiscretions. “I’m not stupid,” she said. “I know people might say, ‘Oh, I would have left him years ago,’ but why, when you still have something to work at? We know each other. There’s love there, and if there wasn’t we wouldn’t still be together.”
Wayne Rooney has had several very public foibles during the couple’s 15 years of marriage. In 2010, it was reported that he cheated on Coleen eight years prior with two sex workers while she was pregnant with their first child. Then, in 2017, he was arrested and charged with drink-driving after being pulled over by police following a night out in Wilmslow – he was driving the VW Beetle of a woman in her twenties, who he had been partying with. In 2019, Wayne was pictured in a Vancouver hotel lobby following an unknown woman into a lift in the early hours of the morning. Still, Coleen stood by her husband’s side.
Refreshingly, she has never tried to put a glamorous spin on Wayne’s behaviour. She hasn’t resorted to platitudes nor pushed the apparent strength of their marriage post-infidelity. She doesn’t apologise on her husband’s behalf, either. “We own it,” she told Vogue in August. “I remember having a conversation about this with someone and I said: ‘Well, do you know what your wife gets up to every day and night?’ At least I know what my husband’s doing! It mightn’t be good, but I know. People lie to themselves.”
Coleen’s comments make it clear that she has experienced shaming over her apparent acts of forgiveness. This, though, is likely the result of the all-too-familiar “once a cheat, always a cheat” trope – or the idea that there’s no use giving a partner a second chance when they will inevitably reoffend. It’s a kind of stigma that Silvia Dutchevici, a psychotherapist and the president of the Critical Therapy Institute, sees often while working with couples trying to salvage their relationship post-infidelity.
“There is a righteousness of, ‘oh, I would never forgive this’ or ‘you should leave him’,” Dutchevici explains. She points to Hillary Clinton, who is still questioned over her decision to forgive her husband Bill following his incredibly public two-year affair with his intern, Monica Lewinsky.
Dutchevici says that friends will likely rely on a “leave him” mantra, but that this might be the antithesis of the kind of messaging a person might need. “I often say to couples that whenever you end up having problems and you’re going to talk to your friends, remember the advice is based on their own experiences and their own desires of what they want to do,” she says. “Sometimes, that stigma [is] associated with our own fears [and] are projections of what we don’t want to happen to us.”
I’ve had couples say that [they’re] not grateful for the infidelity, but [grateful] for what their marriage then became. They wouldn’t wish infidelity on anyone, but what came after, in many ways, saved their relationship— Jodie Milton, relationship and intimacy coach
“It’s so important to address the stigma of staying with a partner,” says Jodie Milton, a relationship and intimacy coach at Practical Intimacy. She tells me that she hopes to see less shame and secrecy when it comes to couples who decide to mutually repair a relationship after one or both have strayed. “If you do decide to stay, I think it says that you’re courageous. It shows you recognise the value of your relationship, and you have hope that your relationship can be better. [It’s OK to say]: ‘I’m choosing to stay because I believe in this and I want to make it work even though it’s difficult, even though it hurts, even though your people may not understand’.”
The first step to repairing a relationship after an affair, Milton says, involves both parties asking themselves if they can truly forgive each other – or themselves. “It’s absolutely possible for that trust to come back,” she explains. “But both parties have to be ‘all in’ for it to work. There’s so much pain and disappointment, betrayal and shock, but it’s such an important phrase because it’s the first step of rebuilding that trust and taking responsibility for what has happened... It’s a difficult road if you’re one foot in, one foot out.”
Dutchevici also agrees that there is always a “way back” for couples, but only if the person who has cheated can admit their wrongs first. “They have to be really transparent and willing to talk about what happened.” She adds, however, that there is a fine line between being transparent about an affair and word-vomiting the ins and outs of it onto your partner. Dutchevici says that it’s quite natural for the person who has been cheated on to want to know specific details about the sex that’s been had, but that sometimes ignorance might be bliss. “You can’t unhear things,” she says. “That doesn’t mean that the person who cheated shouldn’t be transparent and open, but I often tell people before they ask [those] questions, ask [themselves]: ‘How is this information helpful for you in any way?’”
Milton adds that she typically advises her clients to avoid asking about the sex because it will only create upsetting images in their minds. Particularly if they do want to eventually forgive their partner. “It’s helpful to think: ‘Are these questions helping or are these details that are actually going to traumatise me and make it harder to move on?’” Some research, she says, suggests doing this might lead to feelings of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. “They might experience things like flashbacks, intrusive thoughts or become emotionally numb at some points.”
Everything’s fine: Hillary Clinton has long been asked to defend her decision to continue her marriage to Bill despite his infidelity— (Getty Images)
But while self-reflection, transparency and forgiveness all sound good on paper, will a rebuilt relationship be anywhere near as healthy as it was before infidelity took place? “I think to expect to go back to what you had before is to hold on to a fantasy that’s only going to disappoint you,” says Dr Carl Nassar, a professional counsellor based in Denver, Colorado. “The more measured response is to say: ‘What we had is lost and now we have to do all the hard work to figure out what we still have and what we can build together now.’ An infidelity in your marriage can be one of the biggest tragedies and life is not the same on the other side. It doesn’t mean it’s worse, but it will always be different.”
Milton, meanwhile, says that the “recovery phase” after an affair might actually be what an already dying relationship needs. Sure, nobody in a monogamous relationship wants to be cheated on, but Milton says some couples have reported a positive change in their relationship post-infidelity. “I’ve had couples say that [they’re] not grateful for the infidelity, but [grateful] for what their marriage then became. They wouldn’t wish infidelity on anyone, but what came after, in many ways, saved their relationship.”
Being honest with the people around you about the extent of the cheating might also be key. One 2014 study found that divorce rates were higher in couples who kept infidelity a secret compared to couples who revealed it to the people around them. “It takes a tremendous amount of courage to be willing to confront [an affair] in a very head-on way and start a process of truth-telling and sharing stories that are hard to hear,” says Dr Nassar. “But if the couple can go through it, it can be transformational.”
He adds that while there are many, far less dramatic ways to mend a broken relationship, infidelity doesn’t necessarily mean a death knell. In fact, it could lead to a stronger bond entirely. “In a busy modern life, [focusing on your] marriage falls quickly to the bottom of that barrel,” he says. “[Sometimes] infidelity, all of a sudden, calls that marriage back into the foreground.”
