Noel Edmonds has entered the I’m A Celebrity jungle as emperor of the camp. Yes, they’ve given a 70s Radio 1 DJ a lot of power and a bit of jewellery. Surely nothing can go wrong.
Maybe he’ll pass on some leadership tips to Theresa May. The PM is heading to Brussels and taking some vitally important papers with her.
They’re copies of her CV, which she’ll be handing out in case she needs a new job by the time she gets back home.
May has told her Brexit critics she won’t stand aside. She’d like to, but the leg movements are too complex for someone with her dance skills.
The Prime Minister has also told business leaders in the CBI that her Brexit deal will deliver a fair immigration system in which EU nationals can no longer “jump the queue”.
They’ll only come here to take jobs that nobody wants – like Brexit Secretary.
When it comes to a leadership challenge, Jacob Rees-Mogg is waiting until the time is right. From the nick of him, his time was roughly the year 1847.
Even Danny Dyer’s got involved. He roasted Boris Johnson in an expletive-ridden rant. No one’s ever called Boris such a terrible collection of names. Well, apart from Theresa May, his ex-wife and anyone else who’s ever met him.
Maybe Theresa needs to enter the jungle, or even the dance floor of Strictly.
Former professional Flavia Cacace has claimed that the programme’s curse only happens to people if they are not in a “happy place”.
To be fair though, Strictly is responsible for the end of millions of relationships, particularly the ones between The X Factor and its former viewers.
Or could the PM take the ultimate leap and try Love Island? It would make a change meeting a bunch of folk in Europe wanting to screw you when it isn’t an EU summit.
Love Island can lead to other things too. Ex-contestant Samira Mighty is to host an interactive game show on Facebook where hopefuls can win up to £10,000. It’s similar to the game you can play on Facebook at the moment, when you give them all your details and they make ten grand selling them on to every company on the planet.
So there ye go, Theresa. If Brexit doesn’t work out for you there’s plenty of TV shows that will welcome you with open arms.
You might even make a right few quid. That’s what I call a reality cheque.
l A no-deal Brexit could apparently see Mars Bars run out within a fortnight. Not sure if this is true or just a careless Wispa. Will other chocolate bars follow suit? Of course. They’re Bounty.
l Nissan chairman Carlos Ghosn has been arrested and fired over claims of financial misconduct, including under-reporting his package – which is a surprise, since men who like to show off about their cars tend traditionally to have the smallest packages.
It seems that sometimes, ice and drinks just do not mix
A curling team in Canada that included an Olympic champion have been kicked out of a tournament in Alberta for poor behaviour and drunkenness. That’s a surprise. You’d have thought most curlers would prefer being stoned.
Which leads nicely to the UK’s first restaurant to serve cannabis meals, set to open its doors in Brighton next month. The dessert menu is really something – Crunchies and a six-pack of Monster Munch.
It can’t be any worse than the fast food places.
Advertising watchdogs have ordered McDonald’s and Burger King to take steps to prevent junk food being promoted near schools, but thankfully most of the kids just walk right past the restaurants as they head straight to the bookies.
We just can’t be trusted with anything, which might explain why the Scottish Government want to get a tighter grip on fireworks.
Well, as long as they’re not lit they should be all right.
It’s a crackdown on dangerous behaviour with fireworks, but the answer is surely obvious. Don’t give hunners of wee rockets to hunners of wee rockets.
And definitely don’t do this. A youngster in Germany managed to lose his driving licence just 49 minutes after getting it for being clocked doing 60mph in a 30 zone. And if that boy thinks 60 is a high figure, just wait until he sees his next car insurance premium.
l Helena Bonham Carter has been holding seances to channel the late Princess Margaret. It obviously worked, as she spookily moved a glass across the table – before a butler immediately filled it up with straight vodka.
Cheryl's not in credit with fans
Cheryl’s X Factor routine has sparked complaints to Ofcom. It was the first time viewers were angry that a performer WASN’T miming.
She was disappointed by the reaction, having hoped for universal praise. Judging by how badly her
song’s doing, she’s more likely to get universal credit.
Joel's pain was drain on brain
l I’m a Celebrity spin-off show presenter Joel Dommett has recovered from the injury that caused him to miss a show when the wind brought part of the set crashing down on to his head.
It got really bad – apparently he damaged so many brain cells that the crew started mistaking him for Joey Essex.
l Media giants Condé Nast have said they will stop printing monthly editions of Glamour magazine and move entirely online.
So from now on, if you want to read a physical copy of Glamour magazine, you’ll have to do it in the traditional way – by going to a doctor’s waiting room.
l We’re all too stressed out. An expert has claimed that the strain of modern living is taking a toll on people’s sex lives. The best advice is to see a therapist.
Think about it: if they end up curing you and you fancy a quickie, you’ll already be on a couch.
l Tom Hardy has been made a CBE for services to drama by Prince Charles. Not saying Charles is out of touch, but apparently his first question was, “What’s Stan Laurel up
to these days?”
