I gave up hugging people just before Christmas; I thought it was for the best. I’m in my mid-50s, possibly a bit smelly and live in fear of coming over as a bit creepy. I work with a lot of young people, at least half of them women, who are mostly in their 20s, and it was getting harder and harder to pull off a brotherly hug when the hugs were feeling fatherly or even grandfatherly. Or just, you know, a bit creepy.
Several months on, reviewing this first phase of my post-hugging life, I believe I took the right decision. Put it this way: I really can’t think of anyone I’ve met who I’ve sensed felt short-changed by the absence of a hug from me. I have seen no cloud of disappointment pass over anyone’s face. No one seems to be feeling left out, least of all younger women, who, unsurprisingly I suppose – turn out to be decidedly comfortable with a handshake.
Initially, I wasn’t sure with what to replace the hug. I sought advice from my daughter, asking how she introduced herself to people in a work environment. “You hardly meet people face to face,” she said, sadly. “It’s usually online.” No useful guidance there then, other than a hard agree that my hugging days are behind me. But the alternatives I trialled didn’t feel right. I found myself executing a kind of courtly little bow, which felt absurd. I also attempted a quick, shy kind of straight-armed wave with my arm by my side hinging upwards at the elbow to show the recipient an open palm. I abandoned this too when it came to feel a bit like a miniature Nazi salute.
It was a young woman working in my friend’s shop who eventually showed me the way. Upon being introduced, as I dithered like a tennis player unsure about whether to go to the net, she held out her hand for a firm, confident, friendly handshake. It felt right – although I was soon to undo the good work by going back to ask her about it. A right sorry mess ensued as I ended up sounding as if I was slightly insulted that she had preferred a handshake to a hug. Lesson learned: just do it and don’t discuss it – which could sound as creepy as any hug might have felt.
I don’t know whether generation Z are in the habit of shaking hands with each other but intergenerationally, with the likes of me, it’s definitely the way forward. Conveying warmth – which was the aim of all the hugging in the first place – is about more than any physical act, which can itself be a substitute for genuine warmth rather than an expression of it. This we found out during the enforced physical distancing of the Covid years when handshakes, let alone hugging, were but fond memories. We learned about the importance of eye contact, as well as the sincerity with which your words of greeting are spoken.
Naturally, there remain post-hugging issues with which I continue to wrestle. What do I do about people I don’t know particularly well, but nevertheless was in the habit of hugging? It would be most odd to suddenly stop hugging them – much as they might prefer me to, I suppose – lest they think I’ve suddenly gone cold on them. Perhaps I should prepare some laminated cards to hand over, explaining my change of policy. Otherwise it’s going to be a bit like the new smoking ban – there will be people I’ll still be hugging years from now while others remain unaccountably unhugged.
And then there’s the issue of when you have got to know people well enough for a move from the handshake to the hug to be appropriate – a question I’ll not be grappling with for a while yet.
• Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster, writer and Guardian columnist
