Let's face it, there's nothing quite like a kebab.
When you're looking for a quick bite or, even more likely, when you've have had a few too many on a night out, you simply can't beat it. Some shorn strips of meat, chips, a scattering of salad and a dousing of sauces and what you have there, my weary friend, is a dish of savoury salvation. A true institution.
Personally speaking, it's hard to imagine a truly bad kebab. Obviously I've had some better than others, but usually I couldn't care less where it came from. More than anything, I'm just thankful for the sustenance as I sit bleary-eyed in the sea of discarded polystyrene on Caroline Street in the early hours of a Saturday morning.
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But others, it seems, are a lot more fussy. Scrolling through the online cesspit that TripAdvisor often is, I was sad to see many of Cardiff's kebab houses and other takeaways under attack from those unhappy with their orders, with one business in particular taking a real hammering from online reviewers.
Lodged deep in a densely packed avenue of takeaways, shops and other restaurants on the bustling City Road, Andalucia Kebab House is the lowest rated kebab shop in the capital, according to the review site. With an average rate of 1.5 out of five, it ranks 777th out of 778 Cardiff restaurants on TripAdvisor, with 14 out of the 17 reviews left branding it as "terrible" and the last one to say otherwise dating back to 2019.
The reviews themselves make for painful reading. "AVOID" says one in alarming capital letters, "Terrible service, unacceptable delivery time. Do not order from this place, avoid at all costs". Another said they had been served "the worst kebab ever," while others claimed they had been given food poisoning. "The worst food I've ever had in my life," added another unhappy customer.
Admittedly, it didn't sound promising. But I couldn't help but think that these reviews seemed incredibly unfair. Surely it can't be as bad as the 'experts' on TripAdvisor were making out? So I decided to try it out for myself.
City Road is unlike any other street in Cardiff. Full of life and noise, you pass by a real variety of restaurants as you weave your way along the busy pavements, from the cosy Italian Giardini di Sorrento to Turkish favourite Saray and Syrian grill house Castello all the way up to the ever-popular Afrikana at the top of the road.
Some are hard to miss, but others like Andalucia are more unassuming. Blending into the row of shops and restaurants with its dark, modest frontage, it's hard to judge from the outside, save for a large poorly Photoshopped sign by the entrance that promises 'The Best Kebabs', as well as burgers and falafel.
But, as everyone should be, I was far more concerned with what was inside. I popped in just after 7pm on a weekday night with a healthy appetite and fighting the innate feeling that ordering a kebab with the sun still out is all kinds of wrong. As was perhaps to be expected at that time, I was the only customer in there, but I was served quickly and enthusiastically, which is always nice.
With an extensive menu laid out above me, it was difficult to know what to go for. The mixed grill, featuring lamb, chicken and mixed doners as well as lamb shawarma, took centre stage, alongside a substantial amount of shish, from chicken and lamb to Iraqi kofta.
The kebabs were also offered as wraps, while an impressive selection of 14 pizzas were on offer, with toppings ranging from halloumi and sweetcorn to a mix grill. Further inspection revealed some even more interesting flavour combinations, from the Indian Pizza (chicken curry and pineapple) to the Sweet Pizza (chicken, pineapple and banana) and a new take on the Haiwaiian, featuring pineapple, ham and turkey..
It took every fibre of my being not to go for one of those pizzas, but I kept my curiosity under control and settled on a best seller and an old classic: a lamb doner with chips. With a small portion priced at £6.50 and a large at just under £10, I played it safe and went down the middle, picking up a medium portion for £8.90, with a soft drink for an extra pound.
As I waited for my order, I looked across at the spacious seating area at the back of the restaurant, with a smattering of sparkling clean tables and chairs laid out under some cosy hanging lights. In the counter in front of me were bowls of fresh-looking salad and tasty looking shish, with the colourful display decorated with other fruit and vegetables. I've been in my fair share of rough-looking takeaways and, trust me, this really wasn't one of them.
I had quite an appetite going and had eyed up some of the extras on the menu, ranging from another portion of chips to fresh naan bread and salads. But there was really no need, as my 'medium' doner was soon popped on the counter in front of me - and it was absolutely enormous.
A more-than-generous pile of meat sat on top of a more modest scattering of chips, with the addition of 'all the salad' - including lettuce, tomato, red onion, cucumber and jalapenos - and a drizzling of mint sauce making my dinner look even more intimidating. For just under a tenner including a drink, it seemed I'd bagged the equivalent of two meals for the price of one.
Appearance is one thing, however, but it was then time for the all-important taste test. A doner kebab can be hard to judge as the meat is rarely anything less than flavoursome, but at the same time treads a fine line between a pleasing texture and that of the rim of a car door. You know what I mean.
With this in mind, as well as the lambasting TripAdvisor reviews that had come before, I tucked in to the messy mound of meat and salad and was immediately pleasantly surprised.
The meat was full of flavour and had an intriguing smokiness to it while the texture was, I'm relieved to say, bang on. It certainly had a bite to it and wasn't exactly going to melt in my mouth, but at the same time it at no point felt like I was chewing on an old car tyre as it has done at other (redacted) joints over the years.
The salad was crisp and tangy which helped to break up the flavour of the meat, while the jalapenos gave the meal a bit of a kick. I'm not sure what happened to the mint sauce - it was swimming in it when it was served up but seemed to disappear by the time I ate it - but I wish I'd had more as it was cool, zingy and really complemented the lamb well. I wonder if anyone else has discovered that combination yet?
The unexpected star of the show, however, was the chips. It's so easy to get a bad one, when they haven't quite made their mind up on whether they're going to be light and fluffy or stodgy and chewy, but these boys were crispy and full of flavour. They were absolutely delicious. One of the reviews I read had singled out the chips as the worst part of their meal and while the customer is always right, frankly they couldn't be more wrong.
Despite all that had been said, I really enjoyed my meal. The one thing I couldn't get over, however, was just how much there was. The polystyrene container was overflowing with salad and sauce before I could even tuck in and even dividing it across the container didn't make it look any less intimidating. I'm a big guy with a big appetite, but even I had to admit defeat with around a quarter of it left to go. God knows what a large portion would have looked like.
With my stomach more than full, it was time to go through my checklist and find out what I'd learned on my venture. Did I enjoy the food? Yes. Would I eat there again? 100%. Would I scran the living daylights out of it if I was hammered? Abso-bloody-lutely.
But most importantly, does Andalucia deserve its unfortunate ranking as one of the worst-rated restaurants in Cardiff? Of course not. While TripAdvisor can be a useful tool, it can also be rather destructive and hide the truth of a number of charming, well-run and often overlooked restaurants. I'll be leaving a positive review for them - just after I've finished off the leftovers.
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