A mum has described how watching over her daughter to stop her from taking her own life led her to creating a support network for other mums going through the same parenting nightmare.
Suzanne Alderson's daughter Issy revealed that she was planning to take her own life at the age of 14 following sustained bullying at school.
The Solihull mum ended up on suicide watch, sitting next to her teenager through the night just keeping her alive.
In one of her darkest moments, she decided she never wanted another parent to feel as alone as she did and when Issy’s mental health began to improve, Suzanne set up a Facebook group called Parenting Mental Health.
The group enables others to share their questions and experiences in a safe space. It is now a charity that has helped more than 37,000 families, reports BirminghamLive.
Brave Suzanne is full of optimism and positivity about how we can empower young people. Listen to Suzanne on the Brummie Mummies Podcast where she talks about the signs parents should look out for and how to help, not only your child, but the whole family through a mental health crisis.
"In 2015, Issy was being really badly bullied at school, and it had a huge effect on her mental health," said Suzanne. "I just thought we could get through it and it would just disappear. But she started to withdraw from us, all the things we love about her, her creativity, effervescence and humour all changed and we started to lose sight of her.
"I said I was going to talk to the school and she said you can’t mum because if you do I'll never be able to trust you. We spent the next month or so trying to make some changes and, in the end, my husband went and spoke to them. They said they would move the bullies from her class. We left the meeting, looking forward to the summer holidays with a real sense of optimism.”
Sadly, when Issy returned to school, the teachers had forgotten to move the bullies and Suzanne received a harrowing call from her daughter screaming down the phone ‘they’re in my class'. They were actually seated either side of her.
“That was the start of a very sharp mental decline," said Suzanne. "She couldn’t even leave the house, she wasn’t eating, she’d stopped sleeping."
Following a GP appointment, Izzy was put on the CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services) waiting list, and told she would need to wait around nine to 12 weeks for an appointment. The doctor said he would see Izzy every week until the referral came through.
That was the moment Suzanne realised her daughter had reached breaking point: "I took Issy to the doctor and she asked to go in on her own. The doctor then said he'd call me as soon as we got home. I can still remember feeling the grain of the bookshelf I was holding onto when I picked the phone up.
"He said 'Issy has a plan to end her life this evening. She’s stockpiled pills, you need to be with her and I’m going to get her seen by CAMS today or first thing in the morning.'
"That phone call changed the whole trajectory of our life. Issy was seen by CAMS and wrapped in amazing care and put on antidepressants and a pathway of therapeutic support.
"But for us, as parents, we were completely set adrift. We didn't know how to deal with this because you don’t ever think your child is going to want to end their life. At 14 years old. It’s not one of those signposts on the great parenting highway. You don’t ever imagine it’s going to happen in your own home.
"I remember sitting on her floor, at 3am which I think is probably the loneliest time of night, thinking I can’t be the only person doing this? I can’t be the only parent sitting on the floor of their teenager’s bedroom, just making sure that they remain alive.
"I think something in me just clicked then and I decided that if we made it through, which I’m absolutely delighted to say we did - with lots of fits, starts, stumbles, twists and turns - I’d make it my mission to make sure no other parent felt like I did, which was completely isolated because friends and family don’t get it, they had no frame of reference.
"I felt really ashamed as well, because good parents don’t have children that self harm or attempt suicide or become depressed. And I also felt really ill-equipped to deal with it.
"So Parenting Mental Health started as a Facebook group because I figured it was the easiest way to reach parents who were feeling like I was and looking for a safe haven, somewhere judgment-free to get some understanding with others.
"We've come a long way since then, as has Issy, but I think the cause of supporting parents when their children are struggling is one that’s still under represented and under supported and under served."
Parenting Mental Health became a registered charity in 2020 and, that same year, Penguin published Suzanne's book Never Let Go - How to parent your child through mental illness. Find out more via the Parenting Mental Health website.
Signs to look out for and how to help a child with mental health issues
Suzanne says:
- If you’re worried, don’t jump in but just observe to start with. Look at your child's mental health over a long period, often it’s about being open to seeing what’s really going on in your child
- Take time, don’t judge or try to fix (something we all try to do as parents). We want our children to not have to go through such painful experiences but often, by going through them, you can end up somewhere wonderful and completely different
- We so often parent from fear but actually there’s no need for fear because there’s peer support through Parenting Mental Health and the NHS so that whatever you are facing you can get through this
- Recognise that all behaviour is communication. Start to have open conversations, not face-to-face but when you’re in the car or doing a job together
- Create a judgement free space so your child can talk to you because it’s hard to talk to your parent about your mental health and to not feel you’re in some way letting them down
- Acknowledge what’s going on and what you are bringing to this
- Advocate for your child. Speak to your GP and go into school with your child’s permission. There are lots of adjustments schools can make - safe spaces and staged entry times. Their bullying policies should be dealing with bullying. It's unacceptable, it should be stamped out and the behaviour should be dealt with appropriately
- Take care of yourself. Find ways to release the stress on you too
The Samaritans is available 24/7 if you need to talk. You can contact them for free by calling 116 123, email jo@samaritans.org or head to the website to find your nearest branch. You matter.
