I am in my late 40s, married for 20 years with two teenagers, and I feel trapped. For several years I have known that I no longer love my husband. On the surface we cooperate well as parents, and get on most of the time. However, over the years we have had bitter arguments and things have been said that have left me feeling drained of love for him. There is no abuse, mainly just complacency and criticism, and a deep feeling that I am not living my life the way I need to; I feel stifled, “hemmed in” and unable to be fully myself.
I have tried to raise my feelings with my husband but he refuses to take them seriously and has vetoed couples counselling. In a few years’ time, our children may have left home and the thought of it being just the two of us fills me with dread. The voice in my head telling me to leave is getting louder, but I feel completely stuck.
If I ended the marriage, everyone would be devastated, and it would be my fault. I have never spoken to my parents/siblings about my situation as I can’t bear to add to their stresses, nor do I feel able to talk to friends. My husband would be angry if he knew I’d been discussing our marriage with others. I briefly saw a counsellor this year, whom I explained everything to, but rather than feeling better for voicing my thoughts and being listened to, I felt overwhelmingly guilty and depressed, and stopped going.
I don’t want to still be here with the same thoughts in five years. Five years ago, I didn’t want to still be here … and yet I am. I am so frustrated with myself for being so passive. But how can I move forward and live the life I want to live without causing immense hurt to everyone I love?
I wonder if a different question might be: “How can I live my life without causing myself immense hurt?” Because: what about you? The only people you are responsible for are your children (up to a point) and yourself. Where did you learn that everything is your fault? If your marriage fails, you both have to take responsibility for your own parts in it.
I went to psychotherapist, author of Five Arguments All Couples (Need to) Have and former divorce lawyer Joanna Harrison, who picked up a theme in your letter: “You really seem to struggle to take up space. It’s telling that you can’t bear to add to your family’s stresses. So there’s this feeling that if you address what’s going on for you then there will be no room for anything else.” We wondered where you learned this? You have a right to your own feelings and to have people listen to you.
You also seem to be really worried about discussing things with others – so you were brave to write to me. Does talking about things makes it more real? Also, if you’re not used to taking up room, having a therapy session can seem almost too intense. Could I tempt you to try again with a different therapist who could help you with this?
Harrison wanted you to think about “what divorce or separation means to you” – because with some people it’s such a powerful cultural no-no they feel shame even contemplating it. But being in a very unhappy marriage isn’t a great example to children and isn’t fair to anyone – a good-as-possible divorce/separation teaches children that you don’t have to stay in situations that long-term aren’t working.
I always think couples should try therapy first – because if they do then split up they tend to have healthier separations. But if your husband won’t go there’s not much you can do about this.
“Also,” said Harrison, “when couples separate it’s normal to be really worried about what people will think, but you may have to bear that people will have different responses.” If you’re happier, will this matter?
I get many letters from women in their mid-40s onwards suddenly thinking, “What about me?”. This can come after a lifetime of looking after others. Harrison said: “Something is developing in you that is positive. You’re looking at this situation and realising it’s not good for you or your health.”
Make the next steps small and doable. Find a therapist who can work with you to help you understand you are worthy of “taking up room” talking about your own issues, and can make you feel safe to do so. All therapy sessions are confidential so no one needs know what you talk about. Work out if anything is salvageable in your marriage; if not, you will need to change something. Remember: the person who is always keeping the peace never gets any peace for themselves.
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