I turn 50 this year and I don’t know how to manage marking the milestone when I have a number of really close friends who do not get along with each other. There is no way they could spend time together in the same space. One couple has generously and enthusiastically offered me a few days away at their holiday house, which would allow a small number of friends to celebrate my birthday together. But it would exclude some other very good, and old, friends, who under normal circumstances I would be with.
The friend whose house it is has even suggested one couple could stay in a hotel nearby because they don’t want them to stay with us in the house. I’m sure they will be offended by that.
For my 40th birthday I went away with my partner but a friend threw an impromptu party at their house for me a couple of days before we set off, for anyone who wanted to join us. She has subsequently moved away and since then various people have fallen out with one another.
I don’t know what to do as I can’t do one thing with everyone and I’m heading for a really miserable birthday where I end up offending people by excluding them.
It’s a shame that, if a big party is what you really want, you can’t have it; it would be great if you didn’t feel responsible for everyone getting on, and instead your friends could co-party for your sake. At big gatherings, people tend to form smaller groups anyway, so there’s plenty of scope for not having to mix with people you don’t want to (this is largely how families get along at weddings!). But I realise that’s not an option for you.
“Clearly,” said psychotherapist Chris Mills, “the thought of having a party seems a no-win for you. Even if you did have a party and all your friends agreed to come, it sounds like you’d be on tenterhooks in case an argument broke out or friends fell out. And even if you invited only those that get on, the friends who aren’t invited would be offended.”
Although you can do this at any age, a milestone such as being 50 is an excellent opportunity to “spread the celebrations out” suggested Mills. “You could have lots of smaller celebrations throughout the year, with groups of people who do get on. It could be a picnic with one group, a weekend away with another (and you could avoid the more expensive school holidays which I know in your longer letter you were worried about as your birthday falls then). You avoid the fear of fights breaking out and you get to prolong your birthday.”
This sounds like an excellent idea, because the thing about a big party is, it’s tons of work, and not everyone would be able to come. But the really big thing is that you – the person it’s about – wouldn’t get to talk to people, because you’d be hummingbirding about.
“I’d love for you to be brave,” suggested Mills, “and when and if your friends ask you what you’re doing, say something like, ‘I’m not having a party because a lot of my friends don’t get on and I don’t want to have to deal with that.’”
One of the things I’ve realised is often we fear offending people when, in fact, they have offended us. It did sound like part of you wished someone else would take over the organisation of all this (this is why party planners exist). But in the absence of that, having smaller, satellite gatherings could really give you a chance to have more fun, over a longer period, and really get to chat to people and maybe tell them what they’ve meant to you and maybe also you to them.
“You could structure the meeting according to how you know the people,” suggested Mills, “because by the time we’ve got to 50, chances are we know people from very different areas of life.” (And geographically.) So you could take up your friend’s offer of their holiday home, but for a smaller group. It’s hard for people to stay offended – unless they really want to – if they know you’re meeting up with them at a different time.
You might also want to look up Walter Green, an American philanthropist and author. When he turned 70 he spent a year visiting his 44 closest friends and telling them what they had meant to him.
You sound like a very thoughtful, sensitive person. It’s a shame you can’t have all your friends together at once, but I think having lots of smaller celebrations would actually make you feel more … celebrated. And that’s entirely right for a 50th birthday.
