I am a 38-year-old married woman and have never experienced orgasm, either on my own or with a partner. I have tried everything: sex toys, different techniques, Viagra, pornography, role playing, different partners, meditation, talking therapy, psychosexual therapy, EMDR (eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing) therapy for trauma. It feels as if I have exhausted all options. I have never found anyone to talk to about this, and even now that there is more of a public dialogue about sexual diversity, this subject is never mentioned. When I have spoken to partners about it in the past, including my husband, they have found it difficult to understand that I do experience sexual pleasure and desire, but never reach the point of orgasm. Some have found this very disappointing. I think others’ reactions have made me feel quite inhibited and ashamed, which doesn’t help. I experienced sexual abuse by another child in early childhood, and then later on as a teenager and young adult, and I have done a lot of psychological work processing those experiences. I don’t feel this trauma in my everyday life, but it feels as though this one thing stubbornly remains as my mind dissociates from pleasure at a certain point and my body shuts itself down from ever losing control.
Congratulations on your healing journey so far. You have been very courageous, but don’t lose sight of the finish line. I am assuming that you are not taking medication that affects your orgasmic ability. You are wonderfully aware of how your early trauma has affected you and now creates problems in adulthood. There is just a little more work to be done – correcting the libidinous pathways and finding a way for you to allow yourself to avoid dissociation and stay connected to pleasurable feelings with a partner. This can be achieved, although you may need the help of a sex therapist who is experienced in this area. You deserve to be able to finally break free from the legacy of this abuse.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms.
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