I am a 48-year-old woman, and it recently occurred to me, like a bolt of lightning, that I am not able to be assertive. I cannot strike a balance between standing up for what I feel is right and managing the compromises needed in life.
I’ve just come back emotionally drained (again) from a long weekend with my in-laws, having spent the entire time keeping a lid on my feelings in the interests of everyone getting on.
There are so many times when I just keep quiet in order to avoid conflict. For example, if my young children need reassurance at night, my in-laws will say they are “too big” for that and that if they get up in the night, they won’t get any treats the next day. A few years ago, my mother-in-law got drunk and made it clear that she could not understand what anyone, including my husband, saw in me. It was never resolved, and she never apologised. My husband is still desperate for his parents’ approval and will not stand up to them. I’ve just had to bury it all because I feel I have no other option.
It’s not just with my in-laws – I can’t stand up for myself at work or in other situations. I’m afraid to come across as rude. Like lots of women, I was brought up to be “nice”, have manners and be respectful. I am afraid of getting angry, or crying, or being seen as a difficult woman – but I am being cowardly, and how can I change?
I wonder where you learned that these traits – being angry, or ‘difficult’ – were not acceptable? When all we do is compromise, and others seemingly don’t, that’s very corrosive to self-esteem.
I spoke to psychotherapist Chris Mills. He felt there was actually much to celebrate in your “bolt of lightning” moment: “Coming to this realisation means you’re going through a revolution. You won’t be able to think about these situations in the same way again. But hopefully the rest of your life will be easier.”
If nothing else, that’s an exciting development. Discovering your voice – and practising how to use – it isn’t easy when you’ve kept it quiet for so long. But with time I think you can reap big rewards.
Mills felt that you (and your husband) would really benefit from therapy to work out how to undo these long-learned behaviours. “I don’t think you’re cowardly. It just seems you haven’t been taught those skills.”
And these skills aren’t easy to acquire: lots of people struggle with them. One of the things I’ve learned – and a takeaway I want to share – is to make the response the other person’s responsibility. If you are caring and kind – it sounds as though you are – it’s very tempting to run through a Rolodex of possible responses the other person may give before you’ve even said anything. This is emotionally paralysing. You can’t pre-empt what people will say, nor are you responsible for it.
If you feel able, you could start small the next time you are with your in-laws. So in a response to some dictatorial comment about how you raise your children, try something like “I don’t parent like that” – and leave it there. Don’t over-explain or justify; silence, after having said your bit, is immensely powerful. The first time is difficult, and you’ll want to make it easier – but try not to.
Furthermore, Mills had an interesting perspective I want you to remember: “Your in-laws are not interested in giving approval, so it’s pointless trying. What they rely on is people being afraid of them. It’s a game no one – but they – can win.”
In an ideal world, the adult child of the annoying parents would stand up to them, but I understand that your husband doesn’t feel he can, presumably because he wants their approval. “I’m afraid I don’t see your mother-in-law ever apologising for what she said to you,” said Mills. And what she said to you is crass, but revealing.
Mills says people are “often brought up a certain way that suits somebody else”. It’s time you discover who you are, and that what suits you has value. In the meantime, it’s perfectly OK not to visit your in-laws if you don’t want to, or to put boundaries around the time you do spend with them. As for you and their son, he clearly does see something in you.
• Every week Annalisa Barbieri addresses a family-related problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa on a family matter, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
• Comments on this piece are premoderated to ensure the discussion remains on the topics raised by the article. Please be aware that there may be a short delay in comments appearing on the site.
• The latest series of Annalisa’s podcast is available here.
