The question Yesterday I paused to take stock of my life and counted all the people, both in my professional life and personal life, who I haven’t got along with. I have a list of 45 names. I start out fine and then somewhere along the way things turn bitter.
Why have all these professional and personal relationships soured? At some point these people stop looking me in the eye, stop talking to me, ignore me, stop calling me, start excluding me, start forming cliques around me, start isolating me. I am 40 years old and I do not have a single friend or a colleague with whom I have not had a bad relationship. I have just left another job, because I fell out with all my team. I have a new job lined up, but what’s to stop this happening again?
I have occasional clashes with my family, nonetheless they are there for me and support me. Besides this, I have not been able to forge a single lasting relationship.
Philippa’s answer For some, getting on with people just comes naturally. They know when to smile, when to nod, how to be interested and how to lie to avoid hurting anyone’s feelings. They can naturally read people. Not everyone instinctively has these skills. Some of us must learn them. Those who have these skills, often called “people skills” or “soft skills”, may mistakenly assume that those of us without them are being deliberately offensive.
People experienced as agreeable tend to yield in social encounters. For example, if you say to them, “It’s warm today, isn’t it?” They will probably agree with you, even if they secretly think it’s on the chilly side. In all encounters between people there is a balance between assertiveness and acquiescence. If someone feels inappropriately controlled or dominated, that might make them angry. People’s tolerance for being dominated varies. Some people tolerate it without feeling anger. And the less dominant a person is, the more agreeable they’re likely to seem. I’m wondering whether you are a naturally assertive, dominant person with a low tolerance for just going along with others. Is this an area you could work on?
A way to think about this is whether an encounter between two people is fair. Are they each about 50% submissive and 50% dominant? Every individual’s tolerance for being in an agreeing, yielding role varies. You may have a flash point, where you react angrily to being subject to assertion and it may be much lower than for other people. Your goal might be to learn to reflect and then respond, rather than just react. I cannot know whether I’m on the right track here, but I’m offering it up in case it resonates with you. Politeness means prioritising other people. A polite person tends to give way to others, but this might lead to simmering resentment over time. Those who are polite often address their own comfort without engaging in direct conflict by resorting to gossip to self-soothe. I am guessing you are straightforward, while others around you tend to hide behind politeness, which keeps things smooth for a while, but they resort to talking behind your back, to which you are unsurprisingly sensitive.
How do you normally respond to unpredictability or to new concepts? How verbal are you in whatever preference you have, and do you understand that other people may approach innovation differently? Is this an area that leads to clashes with others? If it is, you can be curious about the other person’s approach rather than fearing it or trying to shut it down. Share yours without insisting that your approach is the right one. It might be hard for you to tune into others’ emotions and hard for them to tune into yours. This may lead to mutual misunderstandings.
Your flight or fight response may get triggered sooner perhaps than most people’s. Be aware of what your triggers to volatility are. Educate other people about your triggers and think of ways you can circumnavigate them. Educating others about how you usually react to situations may be the key to getting on with them better. It sounds as if your family mostly understand your limits and your strengths, so they can understand and love you. I’m hoping some of the things I’m talking about here will give you insight into yourself that may help you to educate others to understand you better, too.
Research what “soft skills” are and look for books and articles that may help you develop yours. Just because it is a skill you must develop rather than something that comes naturally, doesn’t mean you cannot learn it.
Consider getting some professional help from a clinical psychologist (bps.org.uk). Together, you can work to find out why you keep falling out with people and how you do that. Once you know how you are doing something, you can change things. I am hopeful a psychologist or a psychologically trained coach will be able to work with you to co-create some useful strategies.
Try reading The Autistic Brain by Temple Grandin. No one can know if you are on the autistic spectrum from one email, but this book can be useful for anyone who may not have a natural instinct on how to get along with other people.
Philippa Perry’s The Book You Want Everyone You Love* To Read *(and maybe a few you don’t) is published by Cornerstone at £18.99. Buy it for £16.14 at guardianbookshop.com
Every week Philippa Perry addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Philippa, please send your problem to askphilippa@guardian.co.uk. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions
