I’m trying to get a job at the moment, but it feels like the more I try to get out of my situation, the more barriers I face. I have the opportunity of doing some part-time work but if I make any changes to my circumstances it could have an effect on the benefits I get. I wouldn’t get as much help with housing benefit – I live in a privately rented, two-bedroom house – so I’d have to make up the rent shortfall. On top of that, if I continued to live where I do now I would need to pay the under-occupancy charge, otherwise known as the bedroom tax.
This is upsetting as my child comes home from university every other weekend, and during holidays, but when I called an advice line for people who are struggling financially and asked where they could sleep, the man on the phone suggested “the sofa?” When I looked online, it seemed that families with children at university would not be penalised. So I’m trying to get help and advice, but it’s hard when you’re given false information.
A bit of part-time work might not be a huge amount of money, but it will mean a little bit of self-worth, a bit of dignity and my own cash. I’m also trying to find out how my universal credit will be affected if I were to work part-time, but I can’t get a straight answer. I’m concerned about making changes and being worse off.
So, for now, both me and Boris Johnson are out of a job. I can’t imagine the next prime minister will be any more interested in people who are on benefits than he is. I remember canvassers knocking on the door before the last general election, trying to get me to see all the good things that the Tories had done. I just thought, you have stripped away benefits, and now with the cost of living rising, it doesn’t feel as if we have been given any thought.
The image some people have of benefits recipients is that we’re having an easy life. While I’m grateful that being on benefits has allowed me to raise two autistic children as a single parent, there has been a detrimental impact on me. I think it has chipped away at my confidence. There is no validation that comes with being on benefits in the way you get with a job.
Four days a week, I volunteer at a food bank, and I really do get a sense of having done something good, but I wonder if I use it as an excuse to not try harder to look for full-time work. I love what I do and wonder if I could still volunteer a little if I were to get part-time work, but would it be enough to cover my outgoings? It’s been so long since I’ve had paid work, I don’t know what to do, and that’s a real problem.
At school I wanted to be a long-distance truck driver, but the careers counsellor dismissed it and said I should do something else. I never ended up learning to drive. I left school at 16 and went into what was called a youth training scheme. I became pregnant and left before I finished it. Because I’ve not had a job before, it’s not like I have something to go back to. Now I’m in my 40s, I’m just trying to find something that fits, and I’m scared. What if I can’t do it? What if I give someone the wrong impression that I can do a job I’m not really capable of? It’s difficult to believe you can do it. And I feel old.
I started an application for a job at my local supermarket, but I didn’t get very far before I felt out of my depth. The questions about using my initiative made me feel as if I was almost being tricked: I didn’t know the answers. I just thought I’m never going to get anywhere, and just closed the page. I can’t even imagine what a job interview would be like.
Over the last few years, I’ve taken a few free online courses just to put something on my CV, because when people ask what I do, I say: “I’m just a mum.” But I’m aware being “just” a mum has given me a transferable skillset, from organisation to timekeeping. Being the sole parent of two autistic children means my negotiating skills are fantastic, and I’m good at thinking on my feet. I just don’t know how to put myself forward, or get someone to see this in me. The confidence has been knocked out of me and I feel like I’m fighting against a lot of younger people.
It’s partly a lack of self-worth but it’s also practical. Because if it goes wrong, what do I do then? If I came off benefits but my job didn’t work out as I’d hoped, I would have to start a new claim. It isn’t just me I have to think about – my child is at university but I’m still responsible for them, even though my universal credit no longer covers them. I’m trying to better myself but changing my circumstances feels like going into the unknown.
As told to Emine Saner. Sophie is in her 40s and lives in the north of England. Names have been changed
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